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LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

• Facebook criticised as man impersonates a girl who pretends to be a man
• Police defend ‘ignore it until it goes away’ crime fighting tactics
• Nation left wondering how Beckham felt about Manchester return
• Learner drivers to be told being hit by a train is a ‘bad thing’
• I know that’s what you are, but what am I, Ahmadinejad asks US

ALSO IN THE NEWS

John Terry considering offer to become a South African polygamist

John Terry is this morning considering an offer from South African President Jacob Zuma to become a South African polygamist, after learning that President Zuma is welcomed all over the world despite having five wives and twenty children.

MORE STORIES

Don’t panic, Only Fools and Horses repeats are perfectly safe, insists Thompson

• Cocaine use on the rise as real life becomes five times worse than ten years ago
• I’ll happily pay tax just as soon as I get my own way on everything, insists Lord Ashcroft
• One medal definitely a success insist British Winter Olympic team
• France surrenders to advancing storm front
• Teenage boys delighted with current levels of media sexualisation
• Fans panic as Bridge retirement puts Neville one place closer to recall

HAVE YOUR SAY

Are Man City going too far offering £50m for the Geordie fan base?

THE LIB DEMS : DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING?

Is knowing they are the yellow ones really enough?

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

• Tragedy as killer whale does exactly what it says on the tin
• Men everywhere dusting off old Cheryl Cole fantasies
• India arrests Britons for having embarrassingly dull hobby
• Latest opinion polls show drop in support for opinion polls
• Anger as adult app removal makes masturbating to an iPhone more difficult
• Faith schools to teach how sex is much better when you involve God