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LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

• Alcohol sales are down because we’ve moved onto the cheap stuff, insist drinkers
• BMW announces launch of the all new Mini Oxymoron
• If I can forgive Bill, then you can forgive each other, Hilary tells Israel and Palestine
• William Hague is definitely not one of ours, insist furious gay community
• Professor Hawking claims God wasn’t needed for creation, what do you think?

ALSO IN THE NEWS

If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firms

Responding to claims that their peak-fare rules are unfair and confusing, train companies have explained that peak time is limited only to the times at which you want to use a train.

MORE STORIES

Survey finds public wants cold-callers banned, what do you think?

• ‘Laa Laa Cactus The Lizard Cameron’ sounds much better, say Big Society
• Budget affects poorest the most, what do you think?
• Please, please don’t blow up Big Brother house, nation tells Al Qaeda
• Seekers of mind-blowing unprotected sex facing postcode lottery
• Cat in a bin woman worse than Hitler, claim utter lunatics
• World Cup bid ‘unbeatable’, says man who won election by coming last

HAVE YOUR SAY

Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK

“This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

• Fox vows to withdraw non-existent British troops from made-up video game
• Tiger Woods inundated by desperate wingman applications
• Chilean miners happy to stay underground until ‘X Factor is over’
• The 111 emergency number is an excellent idea, for everyone else, says everyone
• ‘Make it look suspicious’ is chapter ten of suicide textbook, says David Kelly Pathologist
• Iran unveils the Ambassador of death, what do you think?