Copyright

NewsARSE is a satirical on-line newspaper published by NewsARSE.

NewsARSE uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirised, or it’s someone we know and have checked they didn’t mind. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

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LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

• Alcohol sales are down because we’ve moved onto the cheap stuff, insist drinkers
• BMW announces launch of the all new Mini Oxymoron
• If I can forgive Bill, then you can forgive each other, Hilary tells Israel and Palestine
• William Hague is definitely not one of ours, insist furious gay community
• Professor Hawking claims God wasn’t needed for creation, what do you think?

ALSO IN THE NEWS

If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firms

Responding to claims that their peak-fare rules are unfair and confusing, train companies have explained that peak time is limited only to the times at which you want to use a train.

MORE STORIES

Survey finds public wants cold-callers banned, what do you think?

• ‘Laa Laa Cactus The Lizard Cameron’ sounds much better, say Big Society
• Budget affects poorest the most, what do you think?
• Please, please don’t blow up Big Brother house, nation tells Al Qaeda
• Seekers of mind-blowing unprotected sex facing postcode lottery
• Cat in a bin woman worse than Hitler, claim utter lunatics
• World Cup bid ‘unbeatable’, says man who won election by coming last

HAVE YOUR SAY

Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK

“This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

• Fox vows to withdraw non-existent British troops from made-up video game
• Tiger Woods inundated by desperate wingman applications
• Chilean miners happy to stay underground until ‘X Factor is over’
• The 111 emergency number is an excellent idea, for everyone else, says everyone
• ‘Make it look suspicious’ is chapter ten of suicide textbook, says David Kelly Pathologist
• Iran unveils the Ambassador of death, what do you think?