West to provide Al Qaeda with list of godless infidels it wouldn’t mind losing

As the UK servicemen death toll in Afghanistan reached 300, the West has said it would be happy to meet Al Qaeda halfway and provide a list of godless infidels that it wouldn’t mind losing.

US politicians accuse BP CEO of behaving like a US politician

BP chief executive Tony Hayward has been told by angry US politicians that the way he responded to their questions about the Gulf of Mexico oil spill made him sound like a well-trained US politician.

US demands right to self-pollute via oil that is burnt, not spilled

The US is today expected to renew its demand for the right to pollute itself through the burning of oil in unnecessarily large engines, rather than having the liquid version dumped on its shoreline.

Obama would sack BP boss - what do you think?

“I fire people all the time, and let me tell you it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Once the adrenalin dissipates and my erection subsides, all that’s left is a massive gaping void where my soul should be.”

Jesus still struggling to find publisher for Newer Testament

Jesus Christ this morning bemoaned the struggle facing agent-less authors after receiving yet another rejection letter regarding his manuscript for The Newer Testament.

Israel and Palestine insist violence can solve everything, actually

Israel and Palestine have today renewed their statement to the world’s children insisting that they are a perfect example of how violence can be used to solve pretty much everything.

Poverty-stricken Catholics dig deep for billionaire Pope’s visit

“I’m cool with it to be honest. If we can use taxes to pay for schools, roads and hospitals, then I see no reason why we shouldn’t spend it on hospitality for a Voodoo king.”

Gays should remain promiscuous and unattached, insists Pope

Pope Benedict XVI has insisted that same-sex marriage should not be encouraged among homosexuals as it will likely dampen their natural exuberance and flamboyance leaving them mere husks of their former selves like their heterosexual married brethren.

US prisons to be full of incompetent terrorists by 2030

After yet another bungled attempt to detonate a bomb on US soil by a poorly-trained Taliban recruit, criminologists have predicted that US prisons will be full of incompetent terrorists by 2030.

Our women should act like earthquake-free Ibizans, says Iranian cleric

A leading Iranian cleric who said earthquakes were caused by an angry God, has suggested that Iran’s women should behave more like the inhabitants of Ibiza - an island treated to year-round sunshine and zero God-induced seismological events.

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