I know that’s what you are, but what am I, Ahmadinejad asks US

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad last night told the US, “I know that’s what you are, but what am I?” after the Americans accused him of playing a “double game” in Afghanistan.

John Terry considering offer to become a South African polygamist

John Terry is this morning considering an offer from South African President Jacob Zuma to become a South African polygamist, after learning that President Zuma is welcomed all over the world despite having five wives and twenty children.

France surrenders to advancing storm front

France has unconditionally surrendered to an area of atmospheric high pressure and declared a national disaster after it battered parts of the country leaving a trail of destruction in its wake.

Tragedy as killer whale does exactly what it says on the tin

A trainer at the SeaWorld park in Orlando, Florida, has died after her colleagues finally discovered why the animal she worked with is called a ‘killer whale’.

India arrests Britons for having embarrassingly dull hobby

Two Britons were arrested in India yesterday after admitting that they like to spend their spare time watching aeroplanes from afar and excitedly noting their tail numbers in a series of battered notebooks.

Greece forced into sale of star names to pay spiralling debts

Ailing European country Greece has agreed to the transfer of some of it most saleable star names in order to make a dent in its huge ¢3bn national debt.

Government to seek out more reliable secret torture locations

The foreign secretary has lost an Appeal Court bid to stop the disclosure of secret information relating to the torture of a UK resident, forcing an expansion of the search for torture locations hidden by a sufficient level of secrecy.

UN to punish Iran with more of those things it doesn’t give a shit about

After Tehran announced it was stepping up its uranium enrichment programme the US has said the “only path” was obviously to apply more of those UN sanction things that have clearly worked so well in the past.

Pro-choice Super Bowl advert to show woman’s extremely disappointing son

Following controversy over an anti-abortion advert with the mother of American football star Tim Tebow, a pro-choice advert is to be be run during next year’s Super Bowl in which a mother rues her decision to go to term with her extremely disappointing 25 year old son.

Celibate gays much worse than celibate straight people, says Pope

The Pope has urged UK Catholic bishops to fight the UK’s Equality Bill which will outlaw banning gay religious leaders, after claiming that not having sex with people of the same sex is much worse than not having sex with people of the opposite sex.

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The Ministry of Defence has been accused of giving “misleading” answers to MPs scrutinising its budget after it told the committee that it could tell them where the money went, but then it would have to kill them.

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HAVE YOUR SAY

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OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

• France surrenders to advancing storm front
• Teenage boys delighted with current levels of media sexualisation
• Fans panic as Bridge retirement puts Neville one place closer to recall
• Tragedy as killer whale does exactly what it says on the tin
• Men everywhere dusting off old Cheryl Cole fantasies
• India arrests Britons for having embarrassingly dull hobby