Griffin to spend afternoon swapping jokes with Prince Philip

BNP leader Nick Griffin is set to spend this afternoon’s Buckingham Palace garden party swapping hilarious stories about brown people with Duke of Edinburgh Prince Philip.

Eton history teacher refusing to leave bathroom

An Eton history teacher has locked himself in the toilet after former pupil David Cameron told the world’s press that World War II was won in 1950 by the team in blue.

Nation in shock as rising HIV rate shows old people definitely still having sex

A nation is in shock this morning after a large increase in the number of people aged 50 and over catching HIV proved that old people are, without doubt, still having sex.

Blowing people up raises risk of being blown up, admits former MI5 chief

The invasion of Iraq and blowing stuff up in that country “substantially” increased the threat of terrorists blowing stuff up in the UK, the former head of MI5 has admitted.

Star Trek fans bemoan invention of silent and invisible laser

After US firm Raytheon unveiled its silent and invisible anti-aircraft laser at the Farnborough Airshow in Hampshire, Star Trek fans everywhere insisted this was a bad day for the fictional gun fights of the future.

Vince Cable takes charge of Department of The Bloody Obvious

Minister for the Blindingly Obvious, Vince Cable, this morning took charge of his new department by declaring that Banks are continuing to rip off their customers.

Cameron outlines plan to get you to do everything

David Cameron will today launch his “big society” drive, a programme designed to get you to do absolutely everything, leaving you to blame for everything when it inevitably goes wrong.

Millions flock to piece of shit Facebook fan page

Millions of Britons last night joined a Facebook group to express their overwhelming respect and sorrow for a recently flushed piece of human excrement.

Stuff worth stealing at 29-year low, survey shows

The number of crimes committed in England and Wales has fallen to its lowest level since 1981, suggesting that the recession has left people unable to afford anything worth stealing.

Graduates to be given another reason to bitch and moan

The nation’s graduates are preparing a whole new raft of whiny complaints after business secretary Vince Cable suggested that a graduate tax might be used to pay for University fees.

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Professional scapegoat and current BP chief executive Tony Hayward is expected to stand down this week, and is said to be looking for new opportunities to which he can bring his own unique brand of scapegoat expertise.

MORE STORIES

Queen barred from BNP garden party

• Shut up! We know loads about doin’ it, insists NUT
• We’ve been really busy with other non-G20 stuff, insist CPS
• Redknapp claims Gordon Brown can win next election
• Liverpool fans draw lots to see who will rob Joe Cole’s house
• Griffin to spend afternoon swapping jokes with Prince Philip
• Eton history teacher refusing to leave bathroom

HAVE YOUR SAY

Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK

“This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

• Nation in shock as rising HIV rate shows old people definitely still having sex
• The rise of Justin Bieber also ‘not BP’s fault’ clarifies Cameron
• Government to simplify way in which it takes all your money
• Blowing people up raises risk of being blown up, admits former MI5 chief
• Star Trek fans bemoan invention of silent and invisible laser
• Vince Cable takes charge of Department of The Bloody Obvious