Latest UK Headlines

BMW announces launch of the all new Mini Oxymoron

BMW have today announced the launch of their newest Mini, the Mini Oxymoron, the little big car that is expensively affordable whilst being everything it should be and also that it shouldn’t be, except when it is, when it also isn’t.

William Hague is definitely not one of ours, insist furious gay community

After allegations that William Hague had an improper relationship with his aide Christopher Myers, the gay community have been quick to strenuously deny that he is one of their own.

Holiday camps are no holiday camp, say criminals

Criminals everywhere have hit back at the government’s victims’ commissioner after she criticised the use of community service, insisting that watching a performance by former X Factor contestant Chico is one of the most traumatic experiences of their young lives.

Ben Collins to be famous for approximately eight minutes

After being revealed as the man behind Top Gears’ The Stig, former Formula Three racing driver Ben Collins is preparing for his eight minutes of fame before everyone realises they actually couldn’t care less who he is.

Trust us, we think you’re both arseholes, says public

As Tony Blair began a personal attack on Gordon Brown in his serialised memoir, the nation was quick to point out that, in fact, everyone actually thinks they are both complete arseholes.

Half of Britons don’t realise the fireball in the sky is hot, finds survey

A survey carried out by Cancer Research UK has revealed that nearly half of Britons got sunburnt this summer, with four in every 10 people saying they had not realised the massive ball of fire in the sky would be strong enough to burn their pasty English flesh.

Cricket to remain dull despite betting scandal, insists ICC

The International Cricket Council has moved swiftly to reassure fans of watching men stand around doing little to nothing for long periods of time, that the sport will continue to be excruciatingly dull, despite recent media attempts to make it sound a little bit interesting.

If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firms

Responding to claims that their peak-fare rules are unfair and confusing, train companies have explained that peak time is limited only to the times at which you want to use a train.

Survey finds public wants cold-callers banned, what do you think?

“They don’t bother me. I got in there first and called every company in the world to tell them I didn’t need anything.”

‘Laa Laa Cactus The Lizard Cameron’ sounds much better, say Big Society

In the first real test of the coalition Government’s ‘big society’ rhetoric, the British people last night voted to amend the name of the Prime Minister’s new baby from ‘Florence Rose Endellion Cameron’ to ‘Laa Laa Cactus The Lizard Cameron’.

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KEITH LEMON

Latest UK Headlines

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