Jeremy Kyle desperate to meet Calum Davenport and family

Moron-bater Jeremy Kyle has told ITV executives that he is extremely keen to meet Calum Davenport and his family after admitting their story left him with a ‘bit of a chub on’.

Uruguayan ref insists Carlisle has not crossed line into England

Uruguayan referee Jorge Larrionda has this morning controversially insisted that Carlisle is actually still part of Scotland, after pointing out that at no stage did he see the Cumbrian town cross the line into England.

God to choose his favourite ass-kissing footballers

Reports are surfacing this morning that God is set to put an end to ongoing speculation by making a decision as to which set of ass-kissing footballers he will grant the ability to win the World Cup.

Tennis becomes immortal

Experts are warning of the dire consequences for middle-England after Tennis spawned its first ever immortal match at Wimbledon yesterday.

Did I mention I’m part Slovenian, says Scotland

Scotland spoke this morning of its Slovenian heritage through a great great grand-parent that it’s never mentioned previously, but only because it never came up in conversation.

Striking French players to blockade all player tunnels

The striking French World Cup squad have thrown the tournament into disarray by announcing plans to blockade all players tunnels during this week’s remaining group matches.

NASA ‘faked England 1966 World Cup win’

A leading ex-NASA scientist has gone on record to confirm one of the longest-standing conspiracies in the football world: that the American space agency faked footage of the 1966 tournament in order to imply an England win.

Shock as footballer employs sarcasm

England’s Wayne Rooney has threatened to rewrite the book on modern footballers after demonstrating an alarming aptitude for the use of sarcasm after England’s draw against Algeria.

Blackpool to launch relegation campaign against Wigan

Temporary Premier League residents Blackpool will begin their 2010-11 relegation campaign with a routine drubbing at the hands of Wigan FC.

Lady Gaga’s World Cup Diary

In the first of her new columns here at NewsArse, pop icon Lady Gaga shares her impressions of the first days of the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, and her hopes for the rest of the tournament.

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