Oxford English dictionary to review meaning of the word ‘fair’

The Oxford English Dictionary is to carry out a thorough review of its entry for the word ‘Fair’ after its meaning has become confused following the government’s continuous use of the word to describe absolutely everything it does.

Osborne to put coma patients to work as draft excluders

Chancellor George Osborne has outlined plans to cut incapacity benefit, insisting those capable of working should work, citing the example of coma patients who could easily take up gainful employment as draft excluders.

Dole queues to reek of piss

Unemployment offices around the country are set to reek of stale urine after the government announced a rise in the retirement age, forcing old people everywhere to look for jobs that simply don’t exist.

Austerity not so bad, insist cider drinkers

As Chancellor George Osborne outlined a number of austerity measures designed to reduce the country’s fiscal deficit, cider drinkers everywhere insisted things are nowhere near as bad as everyone is making out.

PM insists he’s definitely £2k better than Andy Coulson

Prime Minister David Cameron has insisted that he is definitely worth two thousand pounds a year more than his spin doctor and former News Of The World tabloid editor, Andy Coulson.

Universities still full of poor people, says Minister

The university system is still so full of poor people that it is in need of “radical change” to eliminate this burden on the tax payer, the universities minister David Willetts has told reporters.

Choose your least favourite testicle, says Osborne

New Chancellor George Osborne yesterday outlined plans in which members of the public will have complete control over which testicle is cut from their body as part of the Government’s planned cutbacks.

Ugly men to stay single under new immigration rules

Ministers are bringing forward measures requiring attractive immigrants looking to marry pathetic, yet comparatively wealthy UK citizens, to prove they have a command of English above inner-city teenager level.

Lembit Opik makes comedy debut with ‘hilarious’ list of political achievements

Former Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Opik has made his stand-up comedy debut, sending raucous laughter throughout the venue by chronologically listing each of his political achievements.

We’ll get better at abusing our new power, promises Government

The new coalition government has promised to improve the way in which it abuses its new level of power after failing spectacularly in attempts to remove Alistair Campbell from BBC panel show Question Time.

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LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

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BP’s Tony Hayward seeking new scapegoat opportunities

Professional scapegoat and current BP chief executive Tony Hayward is expected to stand down this week, and is said to be looking for new opportunities to which he can bring his own unique brand of scapegoat expertise.

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Queen barred from BNP garden party

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HAVE YOUR SAY

Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK

“This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

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