Latest Politics Headlines

William Hague is definitely not one of ours, insist furious gay community

After allegations that William Hague had an improper relationship with his aide Christopher Myers, the gay community have been quick to strenuously deny that he is one of their own.

Trust us, we think you’re both arseholes, says public

As Tony Blair began a personal attack on Gordon Brown in his serialised memoir, the nation was quick to point out that, in fact, everyone actually thinks they are both complete arseholes.

Barbara Windsor secures role in Miliband soap opera

After Labour leadership candidate Ed Balls likened the daily battles between Ed and David Miliband to an ongoing soap opera, Barbara Windsor announced that she has been hired to play the ageing matriarch with an iron fist at the head of the Miliband family.

‘Laa Laa Cactus The Lizard Cameron’ sounds much better, say Big Society

In the first real test of the coalition Government’s ‘big society’ rhetoric, the British people last night voted to amend the name of the Prime Minister’s new baby from ‘Florence Rose Endellion Cameron’ to ‘Laa Laa Cactus The Lizard Cameron’.

Budget affects poorest the most, what do you think?

“The government has made a massive mistake here. You shouldn’t target the poor, you should target the stupid - they won’t make a fuss. And if they happen to be both, then all the better.”

World Cup bid ‘unbeatable’, says man who won election by coming last

England’s World Cup 2018 bid team have scheduled an emergency briefing for Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg in order to explain the concept of winning and losing, after he claimed their bid was ‘unbeatable’ thinking it was much like a general election.

We’ll only pay benefits to addicts of drugs we can tax, say Government

The government has announced a change to its benefits policy which means benefits will only be paid to the addicts of government approved narcotics from which it derives substantial tax revenue, such as alcohol and tobacco.

Focaccia producers wary of middle-class benefit cuts

The future of jam-making, garden centres and unpronounceable bread-based products have become less certain after the Coalition announced they will be carrying out a review of benefits available to middle-class families.

Lib Dems now slightly less popular than Herpes

A new survey has shown that after one hundred days of coalition government, support for the Liberal Democrats has fallen to 8%, slightly less than some minor STDs and Katie Price.

Tony Blair acquires brand new clean conscience for ‘bargain’ £4.6m

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair is the proud owner of a shiny new clean conscience, purchased with the £4.6m advance he received for a warts-and-all memoir detailing exactly how he left his previous conscience completely guilt-ridden.

SPANK ME

KEITH LEMON

Latest Politics Headlines

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