logo


NEWSARSE ARCHIVES



Authors



Latest Noughties Headlines

Murdoch buys MySpace, giving new bands excellent soul selling opportunities

Murdoch buys MySpace, giving new bands excellent soul selling opportunities thumbnail

Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation has bought music and social networking giant MySpace, in a deal that will thrill ideologically challenged indie bands who would sell their grandmother to Satan in return for an industrial-sized fan base.




All pubs to smell of vomit and body odour

All pubs to smell of vomit and body odour thumbnail

The smoking ban came into force at midnight last night, ensuring the nation’s public houses allow the remaining repulsive aromas to fully penetrate drinkers’ nasal cavities.




De Menezes proves target practise is paying off, says Police Chief

De Menezes proves target practise is paying off, says Police Chief thumbnail

Metropolitan Police Chief Sir Ian Blair spoke last night of his pride in the new training regime which allowed his officers to shoot Jean Charles De Menezes with such unerring accuracy.




Charles Kennedy sobers up and immediately offers to get a proper job

Charles Kennedy sobers up and immediately offers to get a proper job thumbnail

Newly-sober Charles Kennedy has resigned as leader of the Liberal Democrats after finally having a moment of clarity in which he realised what a fruitless existence he maintained whilst in that position.




Millennium Bug now sheepishly pondering its next move

Millennium Bug now sheepishly pondering its next move thumbnail

The Millennium Bug, humiliated by its pathetic failure yesterday to cause the downfall of western civilisation by buggering all computer systems, everywhere, forever, is now cowering sheepishly behind a skirting board in Hampshire, pondering its next move.




Put down the champagne, the powder was harmless, revelers told

Put down the champagne, the powder was harmless, revelers told thumbnail

Street party organisers have been told to put the champagne back on ice after the purple powder thrown at at British Prime Minister Tony Blair in the House of Commons proved to be completely harmless.




Decoded human genome will cure cancer and create huge penises

Decoded human genome will cure cancer and create huge penises thumbnail

The human genome project has been completed, with the human DNA sequence finally unravelled allowing science to investigate cures for the worst of the planet’s ailments, like cancer and disappointing penises.




Iraq has face-melting and genital-shrinking technology, insists Blair

Iraq has face-melting and genital-shrinking technology, insists Blair thumbnail

Prime Minister Tony Blair this morning announced that evidence has been found that Iraq is harbouring weapons capable of melting your face and shrinking your genitals, and as such, we must go to war immediately.




Liverpool as European City of Culture is not a joke, insists EU

Liverpool as European City of Culture is not a joke, insists EU thumbnail

The award of European City of Culture to British city Liverpool is not an elaborate joke on the people of Merseyside, the European Union has insisted today.




Shock as Canary Wharf jumps two places to 215th tallest building in the world

Shock as Canary Wharf jumps two places to 215th tallest building in the world thumbnail

Following yesterday’s horrific attack on the World Trade Centre, London’s Canary Wharf was today elevated two places to the lofty position of the world’s 215th tallest building.







GETTING YOUR NEWSARSE FIX

Facebook Twitter email RSS

BANNED ADVERT!


LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

ALSO IN THE NEWS

We could tell you, but then we’d have to kill you, say MOD thumbnail We could tell you, but then we’d have to kill you, say MOD

The Ministry of Defence has been accused of giving “misleading” answers to MPs scrutinising its budget after it told the committee that it could tell them where the money went, but then it would have to kill them.

MORE STORIES

Sugababes urged to resolve name dispute like women, in the ring thumbnail Sugababes urged to resolve name dispute like women, in the ring

HAVE YOUR SAY

HAVE YOUR SAY Are Man City going too far offering £50m for the Geordie fan base?

THE LIB DEMS : DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING?

THE LIB DEMS : DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING? Is knowing they are the yellow ones really enough?

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

RSS feed Subscribe to our feed       Delicious Are we delicious?       Digg Add us to Digg       Technorati Bookmark us       Twitter Follow us on Twitter