Murdoch buys MySpace, giving new bands excellent soul selling opportunities

Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation has bought music and social networking giant MySpace, in a deal that will thrill ideologically challenged indie bands who would sell their grandmother to Satan in return for an industrial-sized fan base.

All pubs to smell of vomit and body odour

The smoking ban came into force at midnight last night, ensuring the nation’s public houses allow the remaining repulsive aromas to fully penetrate drinkers’ nasal cavities.

De Menezes proves target practise is paying off, says Police Chief

Metropolitan Police Chief Sir Ian Blair spoke last night of his pride in the new training regime which allowed his officers to shoot Jean Charles De Menezes with such unerring accuracy.

Charles Kennedy sobers up and immediately offers to get a proper job

Newly-sober Charles Kennedy has resigned as leader of the Liberal Democrats after finally having a moment of clarity in which he realised what a fruitless existence he maintained whilst in that position.

Millennium Bug now sheepishly pondering its next move

The Millennium Bug, humiliated by its pathetic failure yesterday to cause the downfall of western civilisation by buggering all computer systems, everywhere, forever, is now cowering sheepishly behind a skirting board in Hampshire, pondering its next move.

Put down the champagne, the powder was harmless, revelers told

Street party organisers have been told to put the champagne back on ice after the purple powder thrown at at British Prime Minister Tony Blair in the House of Commons proved to be completely harmless.

Decoded human genome will cure cancer and create huge penises

The human genome project has been completed, with the human DNA sequence finally unravelled allowing science to investigate cures for the worst of the planet’s ailments, like cancer and disappointing penises.

Iraq has face-melting and genital-shrinking technology, insists Blair

Prime Minister Tony Blair this morning announced that evidence has been found that Iraq is harbouring weapons capable of melting your face and shrinking your genitals, and as such, we must go to war immediately.

Liverpool as European City of Culture is not a joke, insists EU

The award of European City of Culture to British city Liverpool is not an elaborate joke on the people of Merseyside, the European Union has insisted today.

Shock as Canary Wharf jumps two places to 215th tallest building in the world

Following yesterday’s horrific attack on the World Trade Centre, London’s Canary Wharf was today elevated two places to the lofty position of the world’s 215th tallest building.

LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

• No ban on racist grandparents, say Government
• Take That star sorry for being caught cheating by The Sun
• Courts rule you must listen to all the rubbish Pink Floyd songs too
• Facebook criticised as man impersonates a girl who pretends to be a man
• Police defend ‘ignore it until it goes away’ crime fighting tactics

ALSO IN THE NEWS

We could tell you, but then we’d have to kill you, say MOD

The Ministry of Defence has been accused of giving “misleading” answers to MPs scrutinising its budget after it told the committee that it could tell them where the money went, but then it would have to kill them.

MORE STORIES

Sugababes urged to resolve name dispute like women, in the ring

• See, you can make good profits without making good shows, says ITV
• John Terry considering offer to become a South African polygamist
• Don’t panic, Only Fools and Horses repeats are perfectly safe, insists Thompson
• Cocaine use on the rise as real life becomes five times worse than ten years ago
• I’ll happily pay tax just as soon as I get my own way on everything, insists Lord Ashcroft
• One medal definitely a success insist British Winter Olympic team

HAVE YOUR SAY

Are Man City going too far offering £50m for the Geordie fan base?

THE LIB DEMS : DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING?

Is knowing they are the yellow ones really enough?

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

• France surrenders to advancing storm front
• Teenage boys delighted with current levels of media sexualisation
• Fans panic as Bridge retirement puts Neville one place closer to recall
• Tragedy as killer whale does exactly what it says on the tin
• Men everywhere dusting off old Cheryl Cole fantasies
• India arrests Britons for having embarrassingly dull hobby