Report insists you can still have fun on half a Fosters

A government report has suggested that a reduction in the drink-drive limit would create safer roads whilst not affecting those people who can have a great night out on half a lager and a packet of pork scratchings.

Your car can give you Legionnaires disease - what do you think?

“I’m not worried about Legionella. If I’m going to catch anything from my car it’ll probably be from the five or six pieces of road-kill I’ve been storing in the boot.” Shane Bowls, Taxi Driver

Saturday nights to become incredibly tedious

A health watchdog has added its voice to calls for a minimum price per unit of alcohol in England, casting the frightening spectre of exceptionally dull Saturday nights across the entire country.

Animal fat and testicles wrapped in synthetic skin is ‘bad for you’ say doctors

Consumers have been left shocked after learning that eating processed animal genitals soaked in saturated fat wrapped up in synthetic bags knowns as ’sausages’, increases the likelihood of heart disease, according to a recent study.

Men to insist wives book into sex clinics to treat acute ‘ambivalence’

Following the success of Tiger Woods’ treatment to amend his sexual behaviour, men everywhere have begun the search for a residential clinic for their wives which could help treat their acute sexual ambivalence.

Comatose workers perfectly fit for paper-weight duty, insist Doctors

New rules come into force today requiring Doctors to list jobs for which ’sick’ workers are suitable, leading to a huge increase in the productivity of previously signed-off comatose workers.

Doctors call for ban on passive exposure to ’second hand children’

Citing the significant health risks, doctors have called for a complete ban on young people in all cars, as well as laws making it illegal for children to be taken to places where members of the public congregate.

Man on the street: What do you think of Mephedrone?

There have been renewed calls by The National Association of Head Teachers (NAHT) for the Government to take urgent action against ‘legal high’ drug Mephedrone, which is currently available as a legitimate plant food.

Manchester sports fans encouraged to wank into a cup for a change

Sports players and fans in the Manchester area are being encouraged to wank into a cup for a change as part of a campaign to get more sperm donors to help couples struggling to conceive.

Courts rule you must listen to all the rubbish Pink Floyd songs too

Millions of music lovers were left reeling today after a High Court judge ruled they could no longer download “just the good bits” from online music retailers and must in future download an album in its turgid entirety.

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HAVE YOUR SAY

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