Latest Health Headlines

Cocaine use on the rise as real life becomes five times worse than ten years ago

A new survey by the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs has shown that Cocaine use has risen five fold in the last ten years, in line with a significant increase in how rubbish everyone’s real life has become.

Violent beer drinkers to revert to hitting you repeatedly with fists

A shatterproof pint glass was announced yesterday with violent drinkers claiming they look forward to returning to the days when they would merely punch people repeatedly in the face and head, over and over again.

Fat and toothless children no longer attractive enough for nation’s paedophiles

Children in Great Britain have become so clinically obese, and have developed such rotten teeth, that they are now unattractive to all but the nation’s most determined paedophiles.

Assisted suicide should be completely legal, insist potential heirs

The people set to inherit the houses of ageing sick people have insisted that assisted suicide should not only be legal, but should be actively encouraged among those taking overly long to shuffle off this mortal coil.

Homeopathy proven to work after overdosing protesters eventually fall asleep

Homeopathic practitioners are today claiming victory for the efficacy of their remedies, after a protest by the 10:23 group who overdosed on homeopathic sleeping pills, left each participant asleep within just 36 hours of taking the remedy.

It is not all Buckfast, we’re proper naughty, insist Scottish criminals

Hardcore Scottish criminals have been quick to defend their reputations against Police accusations that they only break the law due to drinking caffeinated tonic wine Buckfast.

Boots to launch own-brand ‘Chocolate Teapot’ range

High-street giants Boots came under scrutiny once more this week after unveiling plans for their own-brand range of teapots crafted from delicious milk chocolate.

Alcohol labelling should change from incomprehensible to unfathomable, claim Tories

The term ‘units of alcohol’ should be scrapped in favour of the equally baffling ‘centilitres of pure alcohol’ in an attempt to ensure people have no idea how much they are drinking, the Tories have said.

Bingo wings and muffin tops still definitely unhealthy, insist doctors

News that certain types of fat on women have been shown to improve overall health has forced medical experts to explain that flabby jowls, muffin tops and darts-player guts are still unhealthy, and most importantly, hideously unattractive.

Avoid Cocaine and just use slow-killing drugs tobacco and alcohol, warn experts

Cocaine can not be considered a ’safe party drug’ until the deaths it apparently causes are no longer sudden, but are instead long, drawn out painful affairs like those suffered due to alcohol and tobacco.

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Latest Health Headlines

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