Latest Health Headlines

Alcohol sales are down because we’ve moved onto the cheap stuff, insist drinkers

As figures from the British Beer and Pub Association (BBPA) showed that alcohol sales in 2009 saw the sharpest year-on-year decline since 1948, drinkers everywhere have insisted it’s because they are getting smashed at home instead of visiting overpriced poncey wine bars and gastro-pubs.

Half of Britons don’t realise the fireball in the sky is hot, finds survey

A survey carried out by Cancer Research UK has revealed that nearly half of Britons got sunburnt this summer, with four in every 10 people saying they had not realised the massive ball of fire in the sky would be strong enough to burn their pasty English flesh.

NHS urged to put obesity clinics on top of a hill

After figures showed a ten-fold increase in the number of operations to assist weight loss among the obese, tax payers everywhere have suggested that maybe the NHS should think about putting some of these hospitals on top of a big hill.

Seekers of mind-blowing unprotected sex facing postcode lottery

New figures revealing the rise in STD infections in the UK show that in many cases people are being forced to travel dozens of miles for casual, disease-ridden unprotected sex with someone they’ve known for at least five minutes.

The 111 emergency number is an excellent idea, for everyone else, says everyone

Absolutely everyone has said that getting other people to use the new 111 non-emergency NHS line is an excellent idea, as it will ensure that when they have an emergency of their own it will be easier to get through on 999.

We’ll only pay benefits to addicts of drugs we can tax, say Government

The government has announced a change to its benefits policy which means benefits will only be paid to the addicts of government approved narcotics from which it derives substantial tax revenue, such as alcohol and tobacco.

Really fat people should be given hospice care, what do you think?

“It’s about time too. The sooner we get these people off the NHS waiting lists and free up valuable resources for essential procedures like my boob job, the better.”

Old superbug announces split with PR agency after rise of NDM-1

Old superbug MRSA has announced a split with its public relations agency after news that it had been overtaken as the country’s number one superbug by new kid on the block, NDM-1.

Rod Stewart’s testicles ‘no closer to retirement’

After the Government relaxed the rules on the compulsory retirement age, Rod Stewart’s testicles have wasted no time in showing the world what a thoroughly disappointing amount of 65 year-old ejaculate is actually capable of.

Toddlers blast government over continuing free milk policy

The UK’s toddlers and pre-schoolers have reacted with furious tantrums at the government U-turn which means that they will have to carry on drinking ‘yucky’ milk for the foreseeable future.

SPANK ME

KEITH LEMON

Latest Health Headlines

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