UK spoof news and satire
NEWSARSE ARCHIVES
Authors
As figures from the British Beer and Pub Association (BBPA) showed that alcohol sales in 2009 saw the sharpest year-on-year decline since 1948, drinkers everywhere have insisted it’s because they are getting smashed at home instead of visiting overpriced poncey wine bars and gastro-pubs.
A survey carried out by Cancer Research UK has revealed that nearly half of Britons got sunburnt this summer, with four in every 10 people saying they had not realised the massive ball of fire in the sky would be strong enough to burn their pasty English flesh.
After figures showed a ten-fold increase in the number of operations to assist weight loss among the obese, tax payers everywhere have suggested that maybe the NHS should think about putting some of these hospitals on top of a big hill.
New figures revealing the rise in STD infections in the UK show that in many cases people are being forced to travel dozens of miles for casual, disease-ridden unprotected sex with someone they’ve known for at least five minutes.
Absolutely everyone has said that getting other people to use the new 111 non-emergency NHS line is an excellent idea, as it will ensure that when they have an emergency of their own it will be easier to get through on 999.
The government has announced a change to its benefits policy which means benefits will only be paid to the addicts of government approved narcotics from which it derives substantial tax revenue, such as alcohol and tobacco.
“It’s about time too. The sooner we get these people off the NHS waiting lists and free up valuable resources for essential procedures like my boob job, the better.”
Old superbug MRSA has announced a split with its public relations agency after news that it had been overtaken as the country’s number one superbug by new kid on the block, NDM-1.
After the Government relaxed the rules on the compulsory retirement age, Rod Stewart’s testicles have wasted no time in showing the world what a thoroughly disappointing amount of 65 year-old ejaculate is actually capable of.
The UK’s toddlers and pre-schoolers have reacted with furious tantrums at the government U-turn which means that they will have to carry on drinking ‘yucky’ milk for the foreseeable future.
LATEST NEWS HEADLINES
ALSO IN THE NEWS
If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firmsResponding to claims that their peak-fare rules are unfair and confusing, train companies have explained that peak time is limited only to the times at which you want to use a train.
MORE STORIES
Survey finds public wants cold-callers banned, what do you think?HAVE YOUR SAY
Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK
“This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE