Latest Environmment Headlines

Most Copenhagen delegates not that bothered about Tuvalu

A major split has emerged at the UN climate talks in Copenhagen, after island nation Tuvalu pushed for tighter emissions restrictions whilst developed countries insisted they’d quite like to keep their really big televisions and Range Rovers.

Footballing dolphins displaying signs of organised hooliganism

A marine survey team off the north Wales coast that discovered football-playing dolphins, say that levels of post-match hooliganism suggest the dolphins are much more organised than first thought.

Earthquakes accused of institutional racism

As the death toll from the Samoan earthquake and subsequent tsunami rose to 170, earthquakes everywhere were accused of racial discrimination.

China agrees to slow down the rate at which it kills us all

China has promised to slow the exponential rise in its CO2 emissions, ensuring the eventual spluttering death of the planet will take a few years longer than environmentalists currently expect.

Rising Seas Levels Will Be ‘Flippin Brilliant’ for Britain, claims Brown

Gordon Brown, has welcomed reports from leading scientists that global warming will cause the oceans to rise faster than was first thought, by announcing a scheme that he hopes will save the UK’s ailing economy and property market.
Recent studies have shown that sea levels could in fact rise as high as two metres within the [...]

Cowell and Green to launch new brand of super-tat

Purveyor of banal reality television Simon Cowell and chav-wooing retail mogul Sir Philip Green are finalising details of a new company whose products are expected to push the very boundaries of taste and decency.

Met Office urged to look out of window once in a while

The UK’s Meteorological Office was today urged to look out of its fucking window every once and a while before issuing its weather forecasts.
With real-time weather information now available across the Internet, London-based weather service users have been quick to criticise their apparent lackadaisical approach.
“How hard can it fucking be?” said one piss-wet through cockney.
“If [...]

Well you must have done SOMETHING, Pope tells quake victims

Pope Benedict XVI has arrived in central Italy to visit survivors of the earthquake that struck on 6 April and killed 40 people.
Whilst touring the affected area and visiting with bereaved families the Pope was keen to discover exactly what the community had done to incur the wrath of God.
“Is it the harbouring of homosexuals, [...]

Zoologists finally bored of saving frankly useless Pandas

Zoologists today finally gave up trying to save the planet’s few remaining Giant Pandas, declaring the endeavour, “utterly pointless”.
The Giant Panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) is native to Central and Southwestern China and has for many years been the most visible of the planet’s endangered species.
There are approximately 1,500 left in the wild, with a further 266 [...]

Successful Earth Hour delays global catastrophe, by an hour

The successful ‘Earth Hour’ campaign by the World Wildlife Fund for Nature, has led experts to predict that it has delayed an inevitable global environmental catastrophe, by an hour.
The Earth Hour campaign, which aimed to stifle man’s selfish destruction of the planet – for an hour - culminated in hundreds of homes switching off their [...]

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