Latest Environment Headlines

Of course I’m a commercial fisherman, claims everyone in Louisiana

BP last night suggested there may be a few fraudulent claims to their $20bn compensation fund, after every man woman and child in Louisiana claimed to be a commercial fisherman affected by the Mexican gulf oil spill.

Charcoal briquette crisis grips London as BP garages remain closed

Residents of London were left wondering where their next barbecue was coming from after Greenpeace activists forced the closure of fifty BP garages across the capital.

No-one in north west appears to own a hosepipe, admits water company

After announcing a hosepipe ban in the north west of England beginning Friday morning, water company United Utilities have admitted that initial investigations show that nobody in that region has ever owned, or had need to use, a hosepipe.

US politicians accuse BP CEO of behaving like a US politician

BP chief executive Tony Hayward has been told by angry US politicians that the way he responded to their questions about the Gulf of Mexico oil spill made him sound like a well-trained US politician.

Obama would sack BP boss - what do you think?

“I fire people all the time, and let me tell you it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Once the adrenalin dissipates and my erection subsides, all that’s left is a massive gaping void where my soul should be.”

BP to plug oil leak with tonnes of PR bullshit

Oil company BP is to take the unprecedented step of trying to plug its Gulf of Mexico oil spill using the tonnes of PR bullshit normally reserved for fertilising shareholders bank accounts.

Fewer UK beaches covered in your excrement, finds survey

A survey by The Marine Conservation Society has found that fewer UK beaches are likely to see you lounging around in human faeces than at any point since 2006.

Iceland’s volcanic ‘Act of God’ into tedious third act

Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull today entered it’s tedious third act with many viewers hoping for an exciting climax to what has so far proven to be an entirely underwhelming Act of God.

Most Copenhagen delegates not that bothered about Tuvalu

A major split has emerged at the UN climate talks in Copenhagen, after island nation Tuvalu pushed for tighter emissions restrictions whilst developed countries insisted they’d quite like to keep their really big televisions and Range Rovers.

Footballing dolphins displaying signs of organised hooliganism

A marine survey team off the north Wales coast that discovered football-playing dolphins, say that levels of post-match hooliganism suggest the dolphins are much more organised than first thought.

SPANK ME

KEITH LEMON

Latest Environment Headlines

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