Take That star sorry for being caught cheating by The Sun

Take That star Mark Owen yesterday apologised to his wife for being caught by a tabloid and being forced to confess his indiscretion to millions of gullible idiots via their daily comic.

Courts rule you must listen to all the rubbish Pink Floyd songs too

Millions of music lovers were left reeling today after a High Court judge ruled they could no longer download “just the good bits” from online music retailers and must in future download an album in its turgid entirety.

Cameron to launch custody battle for ex-wife Bigelow’s talent

Director James Cameron is to launch a legal battle against ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow for custody of her talent, claiming he is better prepared to care for and nurture it.

Sugababes urged to resolve name dispute like women, in the ring

Following a legal move by former member Mutya Buena to claim the name ‘Sugababes’, past and present members of the Sugababes pop trio have been encouraged to settle their differences in a no-holds-barred televised tag-team wrestling bout.

See, you can make good profits without making good shows, says ITV

ITV has returned to an annual profit, disproving the myth that television companies can only be profitable if they make programmes that are not complete and utter garbage.

Don’t panic, Only Fools and Horses repeats are perfectly safe, insists Thompson

Director general of the BBC, Mark Thompson, has told the nation that the continuing repeats of Only Fools and Horses are completely safe, despite cuts that will see the end of BBC 6 Music and the Asian Network.

Men everywhere dusting off old Cheryl Cole fantasies

Deluded men across the nation were this morning dusting off their old Cheryl Cole fantasies after news broke that she is back on the fictional market, and hypothetically looking for a new lover.

Tiger Woods wins Best Actor Bafta for his portrayal of ‘remorseful man’

Tiger Woods was a surprise winner at last night’s Baftas, picking up the Best Actor award for his portrayal of a remorseful professional athlete in the Internet sensation, “Tiger Woods says sorry for all the shagging around and that”.

Nation gripped by mystery of who killed east end fictional construct

The nation’s easily entertained simpletons will tonight remain glued to their televisions as Eastenders is set to reveal which made up character killed someone who never really existed in an entirely fictional pub.

Liam Gallagher wins the ‘Kevin the Teenager’ Brit award

Liam Gallagher was last night awarded the Brit award for Best Spoilt Teenager - known as the ‘Kevin’ - for his performance as thoroughly unlikeable Oasis front-man, Liam Gallagher.

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LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

• No ban on racist grandparents, say Government
• Take That star sorry for being caught cheating by The Sun
• Courts rule you must listen to all the rubbish Pink Floyd songs too
• Facebook criticised as man impersonates a girl who pretends to be a man
• Police defend ‘ignore it until it goes away’ crime fighting tactics

ALSO IN THE NEWS

We could tell you, but then we’d have to kill you, say MOD

The Ministry of Defence has been accused of giving “misleading” answers to MPs scrutinising its budget after it told the committee that it could tell them where the money went, but then it would have to kill them.

MORE STORIES

Sugababes urged to resolve name dispute like women, in the ring

• See, you can make good profits without making good shows, says ITV
• John Terry considering offer to become a South African polygamist
• Don’t panic, Only Fools and Horses repeats are perfectly safe, insists Thompson
• Cocaine use on the rise as real life becomes five times worse than ten years ago
• I’ll happily pay tax just as soon as I get my own way on everything, insists Lord Ashcroft
• One medal definitely a success insist British Winter Olympic team

HAVE YOUR SAY

Are Man City going too far offering £50m for the Geordie fan base?

THE LIB DEMS : DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING?

Is knowing they are the yellow ones really enough?

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

• France surrenders to advancing storm front
• Teenage boys delighted with current levels of media sexualisation
• Fans panic as Bridge retirement puts Neville one place closer to recall
• Tragedy as killer whale does exactly what it says on the tin
• Men everywhere dusting off old Cheryl Cole fantasies
• India arrests Britons for having embarrassingly dull hobby