Fill your car up with something else then, petrol companies tell public

As public concern rises over the price of a litre of petrol reaching a record £1.20, petrol companies have suggested that maybe consumers would like to fill their cars up with something else, instead.

Waiting rooms everywhere to miss Readers Digest from mid 2017

As news broke of publisher Readers Digest entering administration, GP surgeries the length of the country made plans to update their waiting room magazines sometime in early 2017.

Google Buzz to keep social media professionals in work for further 12 months

Social media experts up and down the country are rejoicing at the spectacular launch of Google’s new bound-to-be-lucrative social media product ‘Buzz’.

BMW to recall 3 series amid reports of faults causing owners to drive like dicks

BMW this morning announced a recall of all 3 Series models from the last seven years, amid reports that owners are being forced to drive like dicks for reasons not yet ascertained.

Banking crisis continues as Barclays barely scrape an £11bn profit

Banking giant Barclays has become yet another victim of the banking crisis after seeing its full-year profits increase by just 92% to £11.6bn in 2009.

You can happily shop here looking like a fucking tramp, claims Aldi

After a Tesco store asked customers not to shop in their pyjamas or barefoot, supermarket chain Aldi has made it clear it is happy for it’s customers to continue looking like a bunch of inebriated vagrants.

Tesco to produce Value range of Jackie Collins movies

Tesco has formed a joint venture to make films of books by best-selling author Jackie Collins, with a special range of Value DVDs for less discerning customers set for the shelves this spring.

Goldman Sachs UK partners to struggle by on just £1m a year

Goldman Sachs’ 100 UK-based partners are capping their 2009 pay and bonuses and will manfully struggle on throughout the year earning just £1m each, NewsArse has learned.

British Airways strike to expose travellers to rubbish Xmas TV

British Airways cabin crew have voted overwhelmingly in favour of strike action over the Christmas period ensuring thousands of holiday makers will now be forced to spend Christmas watching the Queen’s speech and old James Bond movies.

Idiots disappointed after posting their gold to complete strangers

Several hundred idiots are said to be unhappy after items of gold jewellery posted to complete strangers at ‘cash conversion’ companies returned significantly lower sums than expected.

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LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

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BP’s Tony Hayward seeking new scapegoat opportunities

Professional scapegoat and current BP chief executive Tony Hayward is expected to stand down this week, and is said to be looking for new opportunities to which he can bring his own unique brand of scapegoat expertise.

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HAVE YOUR SAY

Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK

“This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”

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