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Alcohol sales are down because we’ve moved onto the cheap stuff, insist drinkers

As figures from the British Beer and Pub Association (BBPA) showed that alcohol sales in 2009 saw the sharpest year-on-year decline since 1948, drinkers everywhere have insisted it’s because they are getting smashed at home instead of visiting overpriced poncey wine bars and gastro-pubs.

BMW announces launch of the all new Mini Oxymoron

BMW have today announced the launch of their newest Mini, the Mini Oxymoron, the little big car that is expensively affordable whilst being everything it should be and also that it shouldn’t be, except when it is, when it also isn’t.

If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firms

Responding to claims that their peak-fare rules are unfair and confusing, train companies have explained that peak time is limited only to the times at which you want to use a train.

Survey finds public wants cold-callers banned, what do you think?

“They don’t bother me. I got in there first and called every company in the world to tell them I didn’t need anything.”

But are the Germans happy, ask striking BAA workers

As Germany posted record economic growth figures of 2.2% for the last quarter, striking BAA workers said yes, that’s all well and good, but are the Germans really happy.

Of course I’m a commercial fisherman, claims everyone in Louisiana

BP last night suggested there may be a few fraudulent claims to their $20bn compensation fund, after every man woman and child in Louisiana claimed to be a commercial fisherman affected by the Mexican gulf oil spill.

Most tax payers ‘already spending’ RBS dividend

After Royal Bank of Scotland, an organisation 84% owned by the taxpayer, announced half-year profits of over one billion pounds, tax payers everywhere suggested they will use the money to buy a new car or take that dream holiday they’d always wanted.

British Gas executives to start each day with ’snow dance’

After British Gas unveiled a 98% rise in half-year profits thanks to an exceptionally cold winter, executives revealed they now start each day with a thirty-minute snow dance aimed at earning the continuing favour of the benevolent ice Gods.

BP’s Tony Hayward seeking new scapegoat opportunities

Professional scapegoat and current BP chief executive Tony Hayward is expected to stand down this week, and is said to be looking for new opportunities to which he can bring his own unique brand of scapegoat expertise.

UK workers best at sounding ill on the phone, finds survey

UK workers have topped the European table for pretending to be ill after it was revealed that they account for 20% of the 800 million sick days taken each year across Europe.

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