Severe weather news ‘imminent’ warn forecasters

The nation’s meteorologists are warning that severe weather news is imminent across the country.
The British Isles is being told to brace itself for yet another sustained bout of bleak weather news.
Experts are predicting at least ten column inches per day with no let up at the weekend.
Northern cities will be the first to feel the [...]

Police probes probed over probes probe.

The government is set to launch a probe into allegations that police probes probed ongoing probes.
“This habit of probe probing is a very poor probe practice and will not be tolerated” said Maureen Filch, head of the governments Probing Office.
“If probes can’t probe without being probed themselves then what is the point in having probes?”
Probe
A [...]

Starving children struggle to save Lenny Henry career

Children of the Third World have once again joined together with Comic Relief in their biennial campaign to raise awareness of the plight of Lenny Henry’s dying career.
This year, fundraisers hope to raise more than three weeks of air-time for the fading star.
Henry, who rose to fame in the seventies after an appearance on [...]

LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

• Police commit to countrywide improvements in ‘track covering’
• UN to punish Iran with more of those things it doesn’t give a shit about
• Drug cheats much better than love cheats, Capello tells England fans
• These are all ceremonial Glock 9mms, gangs tell police
• Pro-choice Super Bowl advert to show woman’s extremely disappointing son

ALSO IN THE NEWS

Assisted suicide should be completely legal, insist potential heirs

The people set to inherit the houses of ageing sick people have insisted that assisted suicide should not only be legal, but should be actively encouraged among those taking overly long to shuffle off this mortal coil.

MORE STORIES

Homeopathy proven to work after overdosing protesters eventually fall asleep

• You can happily shop here looking like a fucking tramp, claims Aldi
• Afghans to take back responsibility for shooting Afghans ‘this year’
• Muggers desperate to be first to steal new Apple iPad
• Iraq inquiry uncovers need for a much better Iraq inquiry
• Rich claim gap to the poor still not wide enough
• Liverpool being held by league strugglers officially no longer news

HAVE YOUR SAY

Are Man City going too far offering £50m for the Geordie fan base?

THE LIB DEMS : DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING?

Is knowing they are the yellow ones really enough?

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

• “I’ve definitely always been a lifelong fan” says footballer to new club paying him £30k a week
• Smiles all round as everything is 0.1% better than we thought
• Absolutely no-one bothered about voting in ‘exceedingly dull’ General Election
• Jeremy Kyle to berate record numbers of unemployed Americans
• Tesco to produce Value range of Jackie Collins movies
• Osama Bin Laden accidentally records himself singing along to TV show Glee