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Men seek referrendum on male obscenities

A group of disenchanted ‘Masculists’ - men who campaign for the same rights as women - have caused uproar by announcing their campaign for a referendum on ‘male’ sexual swear words.

EuroTunnel to offer thrill-packed passenger rides

Anglo-French subterranauts, Eurotunnel, have announced a novel new service on offer for its annual 8.5 million+ passengers - ‘Spurlunking trains’.

Book shops warn Oxfam with threats of charitable actions

The Provincial Booksellers Fairs Association (PBFA) - who represent the nation’s second-hand book sellers, have slammed “bloody do-gooding” charity, OXFAM, for threatening to put them out of business.

Front line obesity ban to make soldiers eat more pies

Soldiers in Afghanistan’s Helmand province have taken ingenious measures to protect themselves following recent penny-pinching rulings by the Ministry of Defence, which seemed certain to get many of them killed to all death.
The troops, sick of the MoD scaling down in their deployment of battlefield safety equipment and vital air-support helicopters, have discovered a new [...]

Phil Spector to launch chart assault with prison super group

Successful murderer and music producer Phil Spector has shocked the music world by announcing his comeback plan to tour the American penal system with a self-styled band of convicted felons.

Warcraft movie to give geeks brief reason to leave their bedrooms

Sam Raimi, unconventional director of the Evil Dead Trilogy and Spiderman films, has signed on to bring the popular game-for-geeks, ‘World of Warcraft’, to the big screen.

Aussie fear over post-earthquake Kiwi invasion

Following last weeks 7.8 mega-quake off the coast of New Zealand, it has been revealed that the country has moved 30cm closer to Australia.

Ozzy Osborne to offer lifeline to ailing banking sector

Wobbly-armed rocker, Ozzy Osbourne is to take a leaf out of the books of high-profile philanthropic musicians Bono, Chris Martin, Sting and Darius Danesh and plans to inject funds into the UK’s beleaguered economy.

Sports commentators to expand vocabulary of filth

Sports commentators have been given a unique opportunity to expand their working horizons, after the Royal National Institute for Blind People (RNIB) successfully lobbied parliament to fund ‘Sex Talkers’ for the blind.

Man-flavoured chocolate actually ‘quite delicious’

A controversial new chocolate is set to rock the confectionery world after Cocoa Services Inc. of New Jersey, USA, has created a new ‘man-flavoured’ brand of candy bar.

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KEITH LEMON

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