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Murdoch buys MySpace, giving new bands excellent soul selling opportunities

Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation has bought music and social networking giant MySpace, in a deal that will thrill ideologically challenged indie bands who would sell their grandmother to Satan in return for an industrial-sized fan base.

Millennium Bug now sheepishly pondering its next move

The Millennium Bug, humiliated by its pathetic failure yesterday to cause the downfall of western civilisation by buggering all computer systems, everywhere, forever, is now cowering sheepishly behind a skirting board in Hampshire, pondering its next move.

Sunderland’s Darren Bent dropped for failing to pot the red

Sunderland boss Steve Bruce has angrily dropped star striker Darren Bent for the foreseeable future - after the burly frontman missed “probably the easiest pot he’ll have all season” in Saturday’s dramatic encounter with 18-times Snooker Champions Liverpool.

Labour and Tories accused of illegal electorate-sitting arrangement

The UK’s Government and Opposition have both been threatened with prosecution for allegedly engaging in a “mutually beneficial” electorate-sitting arrangement for the last hundred years.

Film-makers devastated as ‘Bowling for Audenshaw’ shelved indefinitely

Michael Moore-inspired documentary film-makers the world over have been left “devastated” and “heartbroken” by yesterday’s tragic and anti-climactic acquittal of two British schoolboys in what has been dubbed the ‘Columbine copycat’ trial.

Portsmouth to be released early from Premiership on compassionate grounds

Portsmouth are to be controversially released from the Premier League eight months early on compassionate grounds after losing all their games, all their decent players, and all their hope and dignity for the season.

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