‘Laa Laa Cactus The Lizard Cameron’ sounds much better, say Big Society

In the first real test of the coalition Government’s ‘big society’ rhetoric, the British people last night voted to amend the name of the Prime Minister’s new baby from ‘Florence Rose Endellion Cameron’ to ‘Laa Laa Cactus The Lizard Cameron’.

Manchester United face Chelsea-Arsenal coalition in ‘Hung Premiership’ battle

The English Premier League was yesterday thrown into constitutional turmoil as neither Chelsea nor reigning champions Manchester United emerged from the final day of the season with an overall points majority.

New Labour bans itself in crackdown on dangerous ‘legal governments’

Following yesterday’s ban on the ‘legal high’ mephedrone, Britain’s Labour Party has today declared itself illegal as part of an ongoing crackdown on readily-available ‘dangerous governments’.

Murdoch buys MySpace, giving new bands excellent soul selling opportunities

Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation has bought music and social networking giant MySpace, in a deal that will thrill ideologically challenged indie bands who would sell their grandmother to Satan in return for an industrial-sized fan base.

Millennium Bug now sheepishly pondering its next move

The Millennium Bug, humiliated by its pathetic failure yesterday to cause the downfall of western civilisation by buggering all computer systems, everywhere, forever, is now cowering sheepishly behind a skirting board in Hampshire, pondering its next move.

Sunderland’s Darren Bent dropped for failing to pot the red

Sunderland boss Steve Bruce has angrily dropped star striker Darren Bent for the foreseeable future - after the burly frontman missed “probably the easiest pot he’ll have all season” in Saturday’s dramatic encounter with 18-times Snooker Champions Liverpool.

Labour and Tories accused of illegal electorate-sitting arrangement

The UK’s Government and Opposition have both been threatened with prosecution for allegedly engaging in a “mutually beneficial” electorate-sitting arrangement for the last hundred years.

Film-makers devastated as ‘Bowling for Audenshaw’ shelved indefinitely

Michael Moore-inspired documentary film-makers the world over have been left “devastated” and “heartbroken” by yesterday’s tragic and anti-climactic acquittal of two British schoolboys in what has been dubbed the ‘Columbine copycat’ trial.

Portsmouth to be released early from Premiership on compassionate grounds

Portsmouth are to be controversially released from the Premier League eight months early on compassionate grounds after losing all their games, all their decent players, and all their hope and dignity for the season.

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If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firms

Responding to claims that their peak-fare rules are unfair and confusing, train companies have explained that peak time is limited only to the times at which you want to use a train.

MORE STORIES

Survey finds public wants cold-callers banned, what do you think?

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HAVE YOUR SAY

Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK

“This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

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