Mosquito claims Cheryl Cole Malaria bite was self-defence

By Gary Stanton

The mosquito at the centre of the Cheryl Cole malaria storm claims she was merely retaliating after the former singer assaulted her at a popular night spot.

The mosquito, aged twelve hours, was partying with friends at Tanzania’s Buzz Bar when she decided to pay a brief visit to the toilet.

As she emerged from the urinal area she ran into Cheryl Cole and excitedly asked the star for an autograph.

The mosquito explained, “My voice is fairly high-pitched and I guess she didn’t understand me, because she started lashing out in all directions and calling me names – stuff like ‘insect’ and ‘little bastard’, it was really quite hurtful.”

“She swatted me aside insisting she’d only come in here for a lollipop.”

“Then she got that crazy look in her eyes that only Geordies get, and so I started genuinely fearing for my life. I was left with no option but to bite her.”

Malaria

Shortly after the incident Cole began developing symptoms of malaria, which include lack of headaches, fever and a complete willingness to sit next to Simon Cowell.

The mosquito denies deliberately infecting the singer and claims she had no idea that she was carrying the Plasmodium micro-organism, which is responsible for the onset of the disease.

However, this is disputed by Cole’s lawyers who insist that she drank Cole’s blood in a deliberate act of revenge after her audition for X-factor was dismissed by the feisty talent show judge as ‘the worst impersonation of Larry Grayson I have ever seen’ .

Last night the mosquito hit back claiming she never got the chance to perform her full repertoire, and that Cole was too hasty in rejecting her from the show.

“I’ve been working on a new set of impressions including Jimmy Sommerville’s version of ‘Don’t Leave Me This Way’ and one of Mark Lawrenson talking about poor defending on Match of the Day – ok, so that one needs a bit of work, but I’m obviously limited by my vocal range.”

“Not that that lot would care anyway. The arseholes.’

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Mosquito claims Cheryl Cole Malaria bite was self-defence

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