News from July 2010

Government tells MoD ‘be more careful with your pocket money’

Chancellor George Osborne has told the MoD that if it wants to buy a £20bn trident replacement, it will have to stop wasting all of its pocket money on sweets, football stickers, and incredibly expensive Euro-fighter jets.

Government to introduce ’single’ benefit payment, what do you think?

All out-of-work benefits and tax credits could be scrapped and replaced with a single payment as part of a “radical” shake-up of the welfare system, according to Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith.

Discovery of old Zoo magazine points to unintelligent life on Mars

Researchers have identified the fossilised remains of an old Zoo magazine on the surface of Mars, leading to claims that the planet was once able to support a thriving community of thoroughly unintelligent life.

Home Secretary demands more efficient punishments for kids to completely ignore

Home Secretary Theresa May has initiated a review of the ASBO programme, claiming she would like to implement a more efficient way of being completely ignored by the nation’s reprobates.

Security experts warn that stuff you put on the Internet is on the Internet

After a list of Facebook accounts with public details was published by a security consultant, experts are warning that any non-private information you put on the Internet is actually on the Internet.

The obese left distraught at news they are also fat

Obese individuals everywhere have reacted with shock after England’s public health minister Anne Milton told doctors to start informing patients they are also ‘fat’, a connection very few obese people had previously made.

Nation overwhelmingly votes for tragic fireball end for BT ad couple

As the nation was asked to vote for its preferred next phase of the BT ad couple story arc, the overwhelming favourite is a tragic, yet ultimately satisfying car accident in which the couple perish in an explosive fireball.

Drinking alcohol makes it easier to drink alcohol, finds study

New research has revealed that drinking alcohol can ease the symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis, making it easier for drinkers to hold glasses of beer, wine and spirits for extended periods of time.

British Gas executives to start each day with ’snow dance’

After British Gas unveiled a 98% rise in half-year profits thanks to an exceptionally cold winter, executives revealed they now start each day with a thirty-minute snow dance aimed at earning the continuing favour of the benevolent ice Gods.

Charcoal briquette crisis grips London as BP garages remain closed

Residents of London were left wondering where their next barbecue was coming from after Greenpeace activists forced the closure of fifty BP garages across the capital.

KEITH LEMON

News from July 2010

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