Comatose workers perfectly fit for paper-weight duty, insist Doctors

New rules come into force today requiring Doctors to list jobs for which ’sick’ workers are suitable, leading to a huge increase in the productivity of previously signed-off comatose workers.

Under the previous rules, Doctors would have no option but to insist comatose employees were permanently hospitalised and subjected to 24 hour observation, but the change means doctors have the freedom to allow comatose workers to also do their bit.

Sharon Bottle, 28, whose colleague Paul Raybold has been in a coma since an accident in May last year said, “I’m sure these new rules will do wonders for his self-esteem.”

“He’s been in a coma since falling down the stairs here in the office last year, so it’ll be nice for him to get back to earning his keep rather than leaching off the rest of us.”

“It might simply be a case of lying down on things we don’t want to blow away, but it’s a contribution.”

“The doctors say he’s essentially a vegetable, but if there’s a slim chance he realises that he’s contributing to stopping all these papers blowing away when someone slams a door, then I’m sure it’s all worth it.”

Contribution

The new rules have been criticised for encouraging unwell people to return to work too early, and possibly inconveniencing other workers who are not suffering with any ailment or condition.

Ms Bottle continued, “We have a nurse come in twice a day to clean him up an that, but apart from that he’s no bother at all. You sort of get used that that incessant beeping after a few hours.”

“I can only hope that if I ever find myself incapacitated like Paul, that the doctors will be kind enough to allow me to continue to contribute to the company’s ongoing success in some small way.”

“But if they could stop the graduate trainees drawing moustaches on my face like they do with Paul, then that would be great.”

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Comatose workers perfectly fit for paper-weight duty, insist Doctors

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