Pope defends army of middle-aged virgins

Pope Benedict XVI has defended celibacy among his global army of priests, claiming that the human penis is an instrument of Devil, and that by ignoring its sinful urges priests are illustrating their devotion to the Catholic Church, or something.

He was speaking at a theological conference before meeting Germany’s top bishop for talks about a new crisis over the sexual abuse of children, which has absolutely nothing to do with priests being sexually deprived.

He told the conference, “There is no link between being told not to have sex, and having sex with people you’re not supposed to. None at all. You’re all imagining it.  Because of the Devil.”

“Look, if God had wanted priests to have sex, he wouldn’t have made them so, you know, creepy.”

“No, it is much better all round if they spend their days in a sexless relationship with someone they never see.  It is a lot like being married to a middle-aged travelling salesmen.”

Virgin

Patrick McGuinness, a former priest, explained that he had struggled with the celibacy element of his time within the church, due to the fact that God gave him a penis.

“I had doubts about the whole celibacy thing, definitely, so I did what any good priest would do, and I asked God for a sign.”

“And do you know what? Within two hours I was sat in a bar with this really hot girl who was very, very drunk.  Sometimes the ways in which He works aren’t all that mysterious.”

“I think the Pope should try it - I’m telling you, if he gets to Heaven and finds out God didn’t give a toss either way on the whole celibacy thing, he is going to find himself seriously pissed off.”

SEA, SUN & FUN

PLACES TO GET YOUR NEWSARSE FIX

RELATED STORIES

• Poverty-stricken Catholics dig deep for billionaire Pope’s visit
• Gays should remain promiscuous and unattached, insists Pope
• God actually quite keen to see how all this paedophile business plays out in court
• Vatican warns media to stop basing reports on things that definitely happened
• Celibate gays much worse than celibate straight people, says Pope

LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

• Rooney fit to face Swiss prostitutes, confirms Capello
• Nadine Coyle set to become Tesco Value popstar
• Study finds a Frenchman apparently doing some work
• Alcohol sales are down because we’ve moved onto the cheap stuff, insist drinkers
• BMW announces launch of the all new Mini Oxymoron

ALSO IN THE NEWS

Cricket to remain dull despite betting scandal, insists ICC

The International Cricket Council has moved swiftly to reassure fans of watching men stand around doing little to nothing for long periods of time, that the sport will continue to be excruciatingly dull, despite recent media attempts to make it sound a little bit interesting.

MORE STORIES

Emile Heskey to receive lifetime achievement award for services to barn door protection

• NHS urged to put obesity clinics on top of a hill
• If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firms
• Survey finds public wants cold-callers banned, what do you think?
• ‘Laa Laa Cactus The Lizard Cameron’ sounds much better, say Big Society
• Budget affects poorest the most, what do you think?
• Please, please don’t blow up Big Brother house, nation tells Al Qaeda

HAVE YOUR SAY

Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK

“This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

• Seekers of mind-blowing unprotected sex facing postcode lottery
• Cat in a bin woman worse than Hitler, claim utter lunatics
• World Cup bid ‘unbeatable’, says man who won election by coming last
• Fox vows to withdraw non-existent British troops from made-up video game
• Tiger Woods inundated by desperate wingman applications
• Chilean miners happy to stay underground until ‘X Factor is over’