Online smut a ‘fundamental human right’

Almost four in five people around the world believe that speedy access to the Internet’s myriad of high-definition filth is a fundamental human right, a recent poll suggests.

The survey - of more than 27,000 adults across 26 countries - found strong support for Internet access to painfully crisp images of eastern European teenagers debasing themselves in ‘by the hour’ motels.

Countries such as Finland and Estonia have already ruled that furious masturbation in front of a wide-screen monitor is a human right for their citizens, with other countries now encouraged to follow suit.

Dr Hamadoun Toure, secretary-general of the International Telecommunication Union (ITU), told reporters, “The right to a satisfying masturbatory experience cannot be ignored,”

“The internet is the most powerful potential source of instant depravity ever created, and access should not be for the fortunate degenerate few, but for the sexually-frustrated many.”

Relief

The news has come as a relief to rural communities across the UK, many of whom still rely on specialist ‘magazines’ for their pornographic needs.

One villager explained, “When the latest copy of Smutty Housemaids arrives in the corner shop, this place is like a bloody zoo.”

“If I’m not one of the first five or six to see it, I’m not interested.  It starts becoming a sanitation hazard after that point.”

“If we could only get broadband here, as is our right, then there’d be a lot more smiling faces, and far fewer paper cuts.”

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