News from February 2010

Banking crisis continues as Barclays barely scrape an £11bn profit

Banking giant Barclays has become yet another victim of the banking crisis after seeing its full-year profits increase by just 92% to £11.6bn in 2009.

Teenage skanks not actually as up for it as we’d hoped, claim Tories

The Conservative Party has apologised to its excited members after figures showed that the pregnancy rate among teenage skanks in the country’s most deprived areas is 5.4%, not the 54% previously claimed.

Scientists discover new energy source by harnessing Neil Warnock’s righteous indignation

Scientists last night hailed a major breakthrough in the search for unlimited clean energy after an experiment to harness the energy emitted by Crystal Palace manager Neil Warnock’s righteous indignation.

Church of England to recall thousands of vicars

The Church of England is recalling at least four thousand of vicars over concerns of faulty baptisms performed by those men of God released since June 2005.

Real Madrid to offer record £85 million for Man Utd striker ‘Own Goal’

Real Madrid have today risked the wrath of Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson by planning an audacious world record bid for prolific Manchester United striker “Own Goal”.

All footballers given time off to protect partners from John Terry

The nation’s footballers have been given this weekend off so they can spend every waking moment protecting their loved ones, after it was announced that Chelsea captain John Terry is taking a ‘few days off’ from his own footballing duties.

Greece forced into sale of star names to pay spiralling debts

Ailing European country Greece has agreed to the transfer of some of it most saleable star names in order to make a dent in its huge ¢3bn national debt.

Government to seek out more reliable secret torture locations

The foreign secretary has lost an Appeal Court bid to stop the disclosure of secret information relating to the torture of a UK resident, forcing an expansion of the search for torture locations hidden by a sufficient level of secrecy.

Church accuses BBC over lack of programmes about their fictional characters

The Church of England’s general synod is to discuss a claim by some of its members that the BBC has reduced broadcasting about completely made up and entirely fictional characters.

Police commit to countrywide improvements in ‘track covering’

Metropolitan Police Commander Ali Dizaei has been sentenced to four years for assaulting and falsely arrest, prompting a countrywide review of the way our police forces are covering their tracks.

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KEITH LEMON

News from February 2010

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