Nation gripped by mystery of who killed east end fictional construct

The nation’s easily entertained simpletons will tonight remain glued to their televisions as Eastenders is set to reveal which made up character killed someone who never really existed in an entirely fictional pub.

Site of really old thing pretty much where we thought it was all along

The true site of one of the most decisive battles in English history, the Battle of Bosworth, has been revealed as being almost exactly where we thought it was all along.

Premier League to introduce ‘fairest’ Champions League qualification system

The Premier League is considering introducing a new ‘rock, paper, scissors’ system to determine the fourth club to qualify for the next season’s European Champions League.

No more competition winners in goal, declares Wenger

After last night’s 2-1 Champions League defeat by Porto, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has declared that he will no longer field lucky competition winners in goal during Europe’s premier club competition.

Waiting rooms everywhere to miss Readers Digest from mid 2017

As news broke of publisher Readers Digest entering administration, GP surgeries the length of the country made plans to update their waiting room magazines sometime in early 2017.

Liam Gallagher wins the ‘Kevin the Teenager’ Brit award

Liam Gallagher was last night awarded the Brit award for Best Spoilt Teenager - known as the ‘Kevin’ - for his performance as thoroughly unlikeable Oasis front-man, Liam Gallagher.

Google Buzz to keep social media professionals in work for further 12 months

Social media experts up and down the country are rejoicing at the spectacular launch of Google’s new bound-to-be-lucrative social media product ‘Buzz’.

BMW to recall 3 series amid reports of faults causing owners to drive like dicks

BMW this morning announced a recall of all 3 Series models from the last seven years, amid reports that owners are being forced to drive like dicks for reasons not yet ascertained.

Team GB protests at exclusion of ‘Hill slide on Carrier Bag’ from Winter Olympics

The British Winter Olympic team have today submitted a formal complaint to the organisers of the Vancouver event over the continued exclusion of traditional British winter sport, the hill slide on a carrier bag.

Shock as prices rise shortly after Government puts up prices

The UK inflation rate rose to 3.5% in January, the fastest rise in 14 months, shortly after the Government raised the price of everything by putting VAT back up to 17.5%

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LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

• Government tells MoD ‘be more careful with your pocket money’
• Government to introduce ’single’ benefit payment, what do you think?
• Discovery of old Zoo magazine points to unintelligent life on Mars
• Home Secretary demands more efficient punishments for kids to completely ignore
• Security experts warn that stuff you put on the Internet is on the Internet

ALSO IN THE NEWS

BP’s Tony Hayward seeking new scapegoat opportunities

Professional scapegoat and current BP chief executive Tony Hayward is expected to stand down this week, and is said to be looking for new opportunities to which he can bring his own unique brand of scapegoat expertise.

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Queen barred from BNP garden party

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• Eton history teacher refusing to leave bathroom

HAVE YOUR SAY

Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK

“This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

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