Premier League to introduce ‘fairest’ Champions League qualification system

From the pages of the Irish Sentinel

The Premier League is considering introducing a new ‘rock, paper, scissors’ system to determine the fourth club to qualify for the next season’s European Champions League.

Under the current rules the fourth placed club in the league is automatically entered into the final qualifying round where they face a playoff game over two legs against some Andorran part-timers.

However, a new proposal from Chief Exective Richard Scudamore would see the remaining 17 clubs battle it out for the final European place in a televised ‘Rock, paper, scissors’ tournament.

The move has been enthusiastically supported by all the clubs outside the ‘big four’ of Arsenal, Chelsea, Man United and Liverpool who have dominated the Champions League places in recent years.

“This is bloody marvelous”, said Alfred Dalrymple, Honorary Life Secretary of Hull City.

“It’s about time they clubs like us a chance. Clubs that’d never be in Europe in’t million years. But now that they’ve taken away any need to qualify on merit we could find ourselves welcoming European giants like Real Madrid, Inter Milan or FC Rubin Kazan to’t KC Stadium”.

Fulham manager Roy Hodgson told reporters, “I’m weally intewested in seeing how the Pwemier League bwing this into being.”

“Obviously it’s twemendously exciting for clubs that have twaditionally stwuggled to get anywhere near fourth place. Personally I think it’s wight thing to do and we’ll be pwacticising our wock, paper, scissors after twaining evewy day”.

Unhappy

Critics of the idea say it will dilute the tournament even further, pointing out that at least the current system rewards consistency over the course of a season.

“It’s a fuckin’ stupid idea, aye. Ye cannae turn on the bloody group stages without seeing the 4th best team in Bollockstan playing some shower o’ Romanian gypsies.”

“If that’s their idea of Champions then I despair”, concluded one Premier League manager who asked not to be named before going after a BBC reporter with a empty bottle of Glenmorangie.

Meanwhile, UEFA have demanded an investigation into player salaries after they spoke out against Ashley Cole.

According to their spokesman “Clearly footballers have more money than sense. This man is married to one of the hottest women on the planet yet he insists on sending pictures of his cock to dumpy hairdresssers and secretaries who probably have quims like a wizard’s sleeve. Something has to be done”.

Clubs have previously resisted attempts to introduce a salary cap but Cole’s latest indiscretion may just be the wake up call that football needs.

VICTORIA PENDLETON GIVES BACK

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