UN to punish Iran with more of those things it doesn’t give a shit about

After Tehran announced it was stepping up its uranium enrichment programme the US has said the “only path” was obviously to apply more of those UN sanction things that have clearly worked so well in the past.

Iran’s nuclear chief, Ali Akbar Salehi, earlier said Tehran had told the UN’s nuclear watchdog it would start enriching uranium to 20% from Tuesday, whilst simultaneously holding up two fingers to the rest of the world and blowing raspberries with its tongue.

US Defence Secretary Robert Gates said he still wanted to “try and find a peaceful way to resolve this issue”, adding: “The only path that is left to us at this point, it seems to me, is to try and use some more of those UN things that haven’t done much good to date.”

“It has long been a US strategy that if something isn’t working, just do more and more of it. Whether that be troop deployments, or giving tax payer’s money to banks. This should be no different.”

Critics

Middle East relations expert Anthony James, told us, “Really, just what is the fucking point. We know they don’t care, they know we know they don’t care. Why go through the charade of applying more sanctions when they clearly couldn’t give the frostiest shit how many we apply?”

“A UN sanction is much like the ASBO of International diplomacy. The person applying it feels like they’re doing something constructive, but the recipient couldn’t give two fucks and wears it like a badge of honour.”

“One of the current sanctions is about not giving them any financial assistance or advice. Well, with our recent banking track record, does that sound like a punishment to you?”

Iran was too busy using an illuminated globe to pick out Western cities to destroy, to comment.