Violent beer drinkers to revert to hitting you repeatedly with fists

A shatterproof pint glass was announced yesterday with violent drinkers claiming they look forward to returning to the days when they would merely punch people repeatedly in the face and head, over and over again.

The new, safer version of the classic British pint glass is inspired by the car windscreen, which rarely causes much damage when you’re thrust into it with any significant force.

Home Secretary Alan Johnson, at the launch at the Design Council in London said, “Glassing causes horrific injuries and I hope these designs will bring back the halcyon days of pub car park brawls and the art of hand-to-hand combat.”

The move has been welcomed by violent drinkers everywhere, with many claiming that this will ensure the most skilled fighter is now victorious in most alcohol fuelled violent encounters.

Jerry Davies, 44, a drinker with strong violent tendencies said, “Punching is significantly more satisfying, as you can do it over and over again. Glass someone and its over in the blink of an eye.”

“And with a glass, someone can get a lucky first punch in and it’s all over. Now we can be pretty sure the best fighter will always win, which is better for everyone.”

“Plus, it’s good exercise, so the Government is also looking after our cardiovascular fitness. It’s a bloody good idea if you ask me.”

Safety

Alan Johnson continued by explaining his next plan was to ensure safety versions of all public house fittings.

“Unfortunately, we can’t trust brutal drinkers not to launch into a frenzied rage over a spilled pint, so we have to make the drinking environment as harmless as possible.”

“We’ve managed it with children’s playgrounds, which are now unrecognisable from the 1970’s counterparts, and I’m confident we can do with the nation’s public houses.”

“We’re thinking padded walls with tables and chairs made of balsa wood.”

“There is also a proposal on the table for all drinkers to handed a safety helmet on entrance to the pub, which as someone who recently drank in a Wetherspoons pub, is looking more attractive all the time.”

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