Fat and toothless children no longer attractive enough for nation’s paedophiles

Children in Great Britain have become so clinically obese, and have developed such rotten teeth, that they are now unattractive to all but the nation’s most determined paedophiles.

The news comes as a survey showed that the teeth of the nation’s children are as rotten now as when records began in Victorian times, with most teeth now easily replaced completely unnoticed by manky wooden pegs.

Health spokesperson Helen Chambers told us, “We’ve known for years that our children were becoming fatter and more unhealthy, but now that the paedophiles are no longer interested we have reached a critical point.”

“Until recently parents of clinically obese children would say, ‘I don’t care how they look, they’re still loved by me - and the paedophiles’ - well that is simply no longer the case.”

“Our survey shows that the days when a nonce could indiscriminately choose a child to prey upon are long gone, it now takes quite a lengthy search to find one even remotely attractive.”

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One paedophile, who wished to remain nameless for fear of losing his role in the House of Lords, told us, “It’s gotten so bad that some parents are no longer warning their offspring of the dangers of talking to strangers, knowing full well how hideously unattractive their children have become.”

“Yes, fat kids are easier to catch, but it’s simply not worth it in the current climate.”

“The lack of sexually alluring minors is just another sign of Broken Britain, and that this country needs fixing immediately.”

One retired paedophile explained that this is a new phenomena, “It wasn’t like this in my day. The kids would spend all day playing outside keeping fit and nobody even knew what a paedophile was. The downside was they were much, much harder to catch, but that was part of the fun.”

“I know people are prone to selective memory with things like this, but apart from the odd ‘dirty old man’ cat call, they really were the good old days.”