Celibate gays much worse than celibate straight people, says Pope

The Pope has urged UK Catholic bishops to fight the UK’s Equality Bill which will outlaw banning gay religious leaders, after claiming that not having sex with people of the same sex is much worse than not having sex with people of the opposite sex.

Pope Benedict XVI said the bishops should fight the legislation with “missionary zeal” as it “violates natural law” and could mean that gay people will take the positions of well established paedophiles within the church.

The Pope told reporters, “The most important factor in any priests calling is who you choose not to have sex with, ever again.”

“People think the important part it’s just the fact that you’ve chosen to be completely celibate, it’s not, it’s who you are not having sex with that really endears you to God.”

“He likes to know you’re denying yourself a basic human activity, but in a completely natural way.”

“Not allowing priests to have sex has nothing to do with higher instances of paedophilia, absolutely not.  We’ve just been really, really unlucky.  God knows that.”

Happy God

A spokesperson for the Catholic Church of England and Wales said they were already taking steps to ensure God was happy with them giving lots of things up in His name.

“Giving sex up isn’t that hard actually, but to show God how committed we are, we’ve made it extra specially difficult for ourselves - because that’s what He likes.”

“At mass we regularly surrounding ourselves with young people and their blossoming early-teenage sexuality, knowing full well that they will do anything we say for fear of being cast into an eternity of fiery hell.”

“If not jumping one of them doesn’t get us a ‘Get out of Hell free’ card, nothing will.”

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