Assisted suicide should be completely legal, insist potential heirs

The people set to inherit the houses of ageing sick people have insisted that assisted suicide should not only be legal, but should be actively encouraged among those taking overly long to shuffle off this mortal coil.

With author Terry Pratchet set to test the law following his diagnosis of early-onset Alzheimer’s disease, many relatives of wealthy ill people have suggested assisted suicide should be made legal, preferably before this year’s holiday season begins.

One campaigner told us, “My Grandad has a really big house, and people with big houses should be allowed to die as they see fit. With self-respect, and really, really soon.”

“Wealthy people with terminal illnesses should be allowed to give us their houses with dignity, not drag it out for months on end whilst we have credit card bills that need clearing.”

Protection

Opponents of the move to legalise assisted suicide have argued that even very ill people need protection offered by the law.

“Where do you draw the line? Grandpa has a cold and also a Bentley so let’s bang him over the head with a hammer?”

“My grandson is a devious little shit, I wouldn’t want him involved in any health decisions to be made.”

Those pushing for legalisation have said they need to Government to step up and confront the issue head on.

“They won’t know how it feels until one of their own relatives is sitting on a potential goldmine whilst being completely unable to end their own suffering. The feeling of helplessness is extremely frustrating.”

“Someone should point out that the Government would get it’s cut via inheritance tax that much earlier if assisted suicide were legal, I’m sure this would speed things along nicely.”