Teenage boys delighted with current levels of media sexualisation

The nation’s teenage boys have responded to a report claiming that there is an over-sexualisation of today’s children by stating that they are perfectly happy with the current levels of sexual imagery, thank you very much.

Fans panic as Bridge retirement puts Neville one place closer to recall

England supporters were last night panicking after Wayne Bridge’s international retirement moved Phil Neville up one place in the pecking order for a left-back berth at the World Cup.

Tragedy as killer whale does exactly what it says on the tin

A trainer at the SeaWorld park in Orlando, Florida, has died after her colleagues finally discovered why the animal she worked with is called a ‘killer whale’.

Men everywhere dusting off old Cheryl Cole fantasies

Deluded men across the nation were this morning dusting off their old Cheryl Cole fantasies after news broke that she is back on the fictional market, and hypothetically looking for a new lover.

India arrests Britons for having embarrassingly dull hobby

Two Britons were arrested in India yesterday after admitting that they like to spend their spare time watching aeroplanes from afar and excitedly noting their tail numbers in a series of battered notebooks.

Latest opinion polls show drop in support for opinion polls

The latest series of opinion polls released today show a significant fall in the popularity of opinion polls, with support for opinion polls down 7% on a series of opinion polls taken just minutes earlier.

Anger as adult app removal makes masturbating to an iPhone more difficult

iPhone application developers have expressed anger at Apple’s decision to ban some adult-themed applications from its iPhone, as it prevents their customers from masturbating with the freedom previously offered by the hand-held device.

Faith schools to teach how sex is much better when you involve God

Ministers are accused of caving into religious organisations and allowing faith schools to teach sex education however they like, including an explanation of how sex is really much better if you involve God.

Tiger Woods wins Best Actor Bafta for his portrayal of ‘remorseful man’

Tiger Woods was a surprise winner at last night’s Baftas, picking up the Best Actor award for his portrayal of a remorseful professional athlete in the Internet sensation, “Tiger Woods says sorry for all the shagging around and that”.

Bogwashing ‘absolutely rife’ at Number 10, claims Downing Street insider

A former office worker at Number 10 Downing Street has revealed the full extent of the bullying that took place during his time there, including his own regular ‘bogwashes’ at the hands of the Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

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LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

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• If I can forgive Bill, then you can forgive each other, Hilary tells Israel and Palestine
• William Hague is definitely not one of ours, insist furious gay community
• Professor Hawking claims God wasn’t needed for creation, what do you think?

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If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firms

Responding to claims that their peak-fare rules are unfair and confusing, train companies have explained that peak time is limited only to the times at which you want to use a train.

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HAVE YOUR SAY

Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK

“This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

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• Iran unveils the Ambassador of death, what do you think?