News from January 2010

Tesco to produce Value range of Jackie Collins movies

Tesco has formed a joint venture to make films of books by best-selling author Jackie Collins, with a special range of Value DVDs for less discerning customers set for the shelves this spring.

Osama Bin Laden accidentally records himself singing along to TV show Glee

Al Qaeda have released a new tape of leader Osama Bin Laden praising pants bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab and warning of further attacks, though most attention has been focussed on the apparent bloopers accidentally included at the end of the C90 cassette.

Goldman Sachs UK partners to struggle by on just £1m a year

Goldman Sachs’ 100 UK-based partners are capping their 2009 pay and bonuses and will manfully struggle on throughout the year earning just £1m each, NewsArse has learned.

Crime drops by 8% as recession leaves people with nothing worth stealing

Crime in England and Wales fell 8% in the third quarter of 2009 compared with the year before, thanks to the recession leaving everyone’s possessions significantly less attractive to criminals, the Home Office says.

British soldier accused in Iraq self-abuse probe

British forces in Iraq are facing yet another scandal after lawyers representing the inmates of a detention centre accused a soldier serving in the Queen’s Rutland Fusiliers of regularly abusing himself.

Simon Cowell wins ‘Best show with Simon Cowell’ at TV Awards

Simon Cowell won the award for the ‘Best show with Simon Cowell’ at the National Television Awards held last night in London’s O2 arena last night.

You should drag beaten burglars back to your house, vigilantes told

After a businessman was freed from jail after permanently injuring an intruder who attacked him and his family, police have said have-a-go heroes should always look to drag bloodied intruders back into their houses before calling them.

I always point at the sky that way, insists Gary Neville

Following accusations of sticking his middle finger up at Manchester City’s match-winner Carlos Tevez in last night’s Carling Cup semi-final, Gary Neville has insisted that this is how he always points at the sky.

UN disaster response team heads to UK

A specialist Disaster Response team is flying into the UK today, as British Government departments struggle to cope with an impending inflation-based financial disaster.

Billy Bragg to give tax man an extra £100 towards RBS bonuses

Musician Billy Bragg is to withhold his income tax beyond the end of January deadline in a cunning ruse to give the Government an extra £100 towards the bonuses for the nation’s investment bankers.

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