logo


NEWSARSE ARCHIVES



Authors



Page added on January 26, 2010

Email this to a friendEmail This Post                      Printable versionPrint This Post

Smiles all round as everything is 0.1% better than we thought

Smiles all round as everything is 0.1% better than we thought thumbnail

The UK economy has come out of recession, after figures showed that everything is 0.1% better than it was last summer.

The news has come as welcome relief to those suffering the brunt of the economic downturn, with the unemployed particularly pleased by the announcement.

Dave Smith, 32 told us, “Someone called this morning to tell me that I’m now 0.1% less unemployed, which is great to be honest.”

“I suppose that technically I’m 0.1% less homeless too, which has significantly less stigma attached.”

“There’s a spring in my again, the like of which I haven’t seen since the summer 0f 2007.”

Celebration

The news that everything is 0.1% better than we thought has been seen as cause for celebration by many, particularly with those of no comprehension how big 0.1% actually is.

“It’s all 0.1% better?  Everything?” asked one such economically naive individual.

“So, my girlfriend is 0.1% less unfaithful, and my genitals are 0.1% larger?  Actually, I suppose they are, now I think about it.  They did feel slightly different this morning.”

“Even my boss said I’m now 0.1% less likely to be fired, which essentially means I’m safe now, right?”

A Treasury spokesperson claimed the return to growth was a vindication of the fiscal policies employed by Labour in the last 18 months.

“This is great news for everyone, yes, we are back in the realms of economic growth.”

“No, no, the actual figures are irrelevant, what’s important is that you write that we are growing again.  Yes, the end of the recession, do you want me to spell it for you?”



SEA, SUN & FUN

SUBSCRIBE TO THE FREE WEEKLY NEWSARSE ROUND UP!

ARTICLES & NEWS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED

Water found on Moon

Water found on Moon
And it is already significantly better than found in Spanish hotels

Dubai Financial Collapse

Dubai Financial Collapse
Lidl to open first Dubai supermarket for destitute Arabs

New EU Presidency

New EU Presidency
I never wanted the job anyway, Blair tells everyone



PLACES TO GET YOUR NEWSARSE FIX

Facebook Twitter email RSS

RELATED STORIES



SPANK ME


KEITH LEMON



LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

ALSO IN THE NEWS

If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firms thumbnail If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firms

Responding to claims that their peak-fare rules are unfair and confusing, train companies have explained that peak time is limited only to the times at which you want to use a train.

MORE STORIES

Survey finds public wants cold-callers banned, what do you think? thumbnail Survey finds public wants cold-callers banned, what do you think?

HAVE YOUR SAY

HAVE YOUR SAY Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK “This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

RSS feed Subscribe to our feed       Delicious Are we delicious?       Digg Add us to Digg       Technorati Bookmark us       Twitter Follow us on Twitter