Tesco to produce Value range of Jackie Collins movies

Tesco has formed a joint venture to make films of books by best-selling author Jackie Collins, with a special range of Value DVDs for less discerning customers set for the shelves this spring.

The first of these value movies, ‘Paris Connections’, began filming this morning, with the Value version completed shortly before 11am.

“This ground-breaking relationship with Jackie Collins is a significant development for Tesco and further proof that some people will do anything for money,” said Tesco entertainment director Rob Salter.

Salter went on to explain that alongside poorly-shot made-for-tv style movies, Tesco would also be producing Value versions of each film for the more ‘cost sensitive’ customers.

“The Value range will essentially consist of rehearsal footage filmed on a mobile phone, with some still images, and the odd dramatic reading by one of the till girls during gaps where the phones ran out.”

“Much like our Value products across the food range, we feel these value DVDs will appeal to shoppers who aren’t that interested in all the expensive extras involved in producing a film.”

“The core DVD product - the story - is essentially the same, we are just saving the customer money by not wasting funds on things like cameras, lighting, surround sound effects or posters.”

“The value DVD experience will be a lot like having a film explained to you, by someone who once had it explained to them - when they were drunk.”

“It will almost feel like you’ve seen it yourself.”

Consumers unhappy

Tesco customers have express caution at the new joint venture, claiming suspicion on the claims of absolutely anything in blue and white packaging.

One customer said, “If it’s anything like their value sausage rolls, watching a Tesco Value DVD will make you feel slightly ill, and leave with you with the slight after-taste of hydrogenated pigs anus.”

The back of the box will carry the notice that the DVD contains at least 15% of the story, but for those customers enjoy more of the plot, then Tesco’s Finest range will carry a version that includes 80% of all plot lines and dialogue.