Avoid Cocaine and just use slow-killing drugs tobacco and alcohol, warn experts

Cocaine can not be considered a ’safe party drug’ until the deaths it apparently causes are no longer sudden, but are instead long, drawn out painful affairs like those suffered due to alcohol and tobacco.

A recent European survey has shown that the myth of cocaine as a “safe party drug” must be dispelled as the drug has been linked to 3% of sudden deaths.

Lead researcher Eddie Sanchez told us, “Out of 668 unexplained sudden deaths, 21 had taken cocaine recently - they’d also taken drink and cigarettes too, but we’re not looking too closely into that.”

“Anyway, drink and cigarettes kill you slowly, everyone knows that. And slow equals safe - it’s true with driving, and it’s true with narcotics that will definitely kill you.”

“Just because people like Sophie Anderton and Noel Gallagher seem fine despite taking sacks and sacks of the stuff doesn’t mean you’ll be OK.”

Healthy

Experts have warned that the only safe drugs are those deemed healthy enough to have their own tax regime by the Government.

“Look, the only way you’d suffer a sudden death by drinking or smoking is if the booze gave you the confidence to chat up a woman with a really massive boyfriend.”

“Or if you walked in front of a bus whilst lighting a cigarette.”

“We recommend that Governments looking into a ways of making highly addictive Cocaine slightly less dangerous so that it can be, regulated, taxed, and added to the stable of slow-killing drugs that are deemed socially acceptable.”

A Government insider explained, “Look, if you’re going to pump your body full of life-threatening chemicals, at least have the decency to ensure we get our cut first.”