Coldest night forces Newcastle residents into long sleeves

The UK has suffered its coldest night of the winter so far with temperatures plummeting to -22.1C (-7.8F) in places, forcing some Newcastle residents into a cardigan or light sweater.

Across the country many roads remain impassable, schools have stayed shut, and Geordies are adding a second layer for the first time in years.

Newcastle resident Mick Shearer told us, “I went to get milk in my flip flops and shorts this morning, just like normal, but this strange sensation developed in my feet. The doctors are calling it something like ‘Bost-fright’?”

“They’re saying I might lose my toes, but what do they know, I’m sure I’ll be fine by this afternoon - I’ve got some gardening to do.”

Symptoms

Symptoms of the cold have affected all sections of society in the North-East, even the young and physically fit.

Dave McDonald, 28, said he went to the pub last night but upon his arrival he suffered what he believed to be a small epileptic fit.

“I walked to the bar and whilst I stood waiting for my extra cold lager, I began to shake for a few seconds, quite uncontrollably,” said McDonald.

“The bar staff were great, they’d never seen anything like it, but after making sure I hadn’t swallowed my tongue they put me in the recovery position.”

“I was absolutely fine a few seconds later, if a little concerned about a relapse.”

“We’ve consulted a medical dictionary, and it appears my symptoms are consistent with something known as ’shivering’ - which sounds absolutely awful to be honest.”

“Apparently the cure is to wear long sleeves, but I checked, and you can’t get a prescription for them, or so our doctor keeps telling me.”

“Bloody NHS.”

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