UK spoof news and satire
NEWSARSE ARCHIVES
Authors
Page added on January 5, 2010
The human genome project has been completed, with the human DNA sequence finally unravelled allowing scientists to investigate cures for the worst of the planet’s ailments, like cancer and disappointing penises.
Scientists have suggested that by the end of the decade cancer is likely to be eradicated, however the man on the street has claimed he has slightly different priorities.
Dave Jones, 28 of Redditch explained, “If this project will lead to new gene therapy treatments, then I think I’d like a bigger penis first of all.”
“I realise I have a history of heart disease in my family, but I really think my quality of life would be improved by having a bigger penis, rather than fixing my heart and living another 20 years with my existing penis.”
Not everyone agreed with the priority for such genital-based medical research, however.
Jane Hughes, 34 of Basingstoke explained, “Bigger penises are an unnecessary luxury, what we really need is an anti-wrinkle cream that actually works, can you deliver that?”
“I’ll happily keep going for the regular mammograms that my high familial risk of breast cancer dictates, if you could just do something about these bloody crow’s feet.”
Information
Teams of researchers from cancer charities are already harnessing the genome information to create better and more effective cancer treatments, however large pharmaceutical companies are using the information in a different manner.
A Pfizer spokesperson told us,”We have a commitment to our customers and shareholders to mainly invest in products that will enhance the sexual experience.”
“Cancer will just have to wait, at least until the average human penis size is about a foot.”
ARTICLES & NEWS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED
Water found on Moon
And it is already significantly better than found in Spanish hotels
Dubai Financial Collapse
Lidl to open first Dubai supermarket for destitute Arabs
New EU Presidency
I never wanted the job anyway, Blair tells everyone
PLACES TO GET YOUR NEWSARSE FIX
![]() |
![]() |
|
|
RELATED STORIES
LATEST NEWS HEADLINES
ALSO IN THE NEWS
If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firmsResponding to claims that their peak-fare rules are unfair and confusing, train companies have explained that peak time is limited only to the times at which you want to use a train.
MORE STORIES
Survey finds public wants cold-callers banned, what do you think?HAVE YOUR SAY
Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK
“This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE