Decoded human genome will cure cancer and create huge penises

April 15th, 2003

The human genome project has been completed, with the human DNA sequence finally unravelled allowing scientists to investigate cures for the worst of the planet’s ailments, like cancer and disappointing penises.

Scientists have suggested that by the end of the decade cancer is likely to be eradicated, however the man on the street has claimed he has slightly different priorities.

Dave Jones, 28 of Redditch explained, “If this project will lead to new gene therapy treatments, then I think I’d like a bigger penis first of all.”

“I realise I have a history of heart disease in my family, but I really think my quality of life would be improved by having a bigger penis, rather than fixing my heart and living another 20 years with my existing penis.”

Not everyone agreed with the priority for such genital-based medical research, however.

Jane Hughes, 34 of Basingstoke explained, “Bigger penises are an unnecessary luxury, what we really need is an anti-wrinkle cream that actually works, can you deliver that?”

“I’ll happily keep going for the regular mammograms that my high familial risk of breast cancer dictates, if you could just do something about these bloody crow’s feet.”

Information

Teams of researchers from cancer charities are already harnessing the genome information to create better and more effective cancer treatments, however large pharmaceutical companies are using the information in a different manner.

A Pfizer spokesperson told us,”We have a commitment to our customers and shareholders to mainly invest in products that will enhance the sexual experience.”

“Cancer will just have to wait, at least until the average human penis size is about a foot.”