Everyone dying, no, really, we mean it this time, we are properly dying

The nation is dying this morning and wishes to be left in a quiet, darkened room, after spending last night drinking enough cheap fizzy white wine to make Pete Doherty dry wretch into his pillow.

Everywhere has the faint smell of vomit, and the country has the distinct taste of kebab in its mouth despite not having eaten one for nearly five years.

We knocked on the nation’s door to ask for a comment, but it told us to “fuck off and die you insufferably smug bastard”

More soon.

Maybe.

VICTORIA PENDLETON GIVES BACK

PLACES TO GET YOUR NEWSARSE FIX

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HAVE YOUR SAY

Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK

“This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

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