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News from January 2010

You can happily shop here looking like a fucking tramp, claims Aldi

You can happily shop here looking like a fucking tramp, claims Aldi thumbnail

After a Tesco store asked customers not to shop in their pyjamas or barefoot, supermarket chain Aldi has made it clear it is happy for it’s customers to continue looking like a bunch of inebriated vagrants.


Afghans to take back responsibility for shooting Afghans ‘this year’

Afghans to take back responsibility for shooting Afghans ‘this year’ thumbnail

Afghan forces could take back responsibility for shooting people in some its provinces by the end of 2010, delegates at a key summit about the country have said.


Muggers desperate to be first to steal new Apple iPad

Muggers desperate to be first to steal new Apple iPad thumbnail

The nation’s technology savvy muggers were today gearing up for the race to be the first person to steal the new Apple iPad.


Iraq inquiry uncovers need for a much better Iraq inquiry

Iraq inquiry uncovers need for a much better Iraq inquiry thumbnail

The Iraq inquiry has uncovered the need for a much better Iraq inquiry after chairman Sir John Chilcot shared his “frustration” at not being able to review classified documents.


Rich claim gap to the poor still not wide enough

Rich claim gap to the poor still not wide enough thumbnail

The nation’s rich people today announced that although the gap between themselves and the poor in the UK is wider now than 40 years ago, it’s still not nearly wide enough.


Liverpool being held by league strugglers officially no longer news

Liverpool being held by league strugglers officially no longer news thumbnail

Liverpool were held to a 0-0 draw last night by relegation strugglers Wolverhampton Wanders, in a match that has been greeted with an ambivalent shrug of the shoulder by sports journalists everywhere.


“I’ve definitely always been a lifelong fan” says footballer to new club paying him £30k a week

“I’ve definitely always been a lifelong fan” says footballer to new club paying him £30k a week thumbnail

A premiership footballer yesterday declared his life-long allegiance to the team now paying him £30,000 a week at the expense of his previous life-long favourite team who are no longer paying him £20,000 week.


Smiles all round as everything is 0.1% better than we thought

Smiles all round as everything is 0.1% better than we thought thumbnail

The UK economy has come out of recession, after figures showed that everything is 0.1% better than it was last summer.


Absolutely no-one bothered about voting in ‘exceedingly dull’ General Election

Absolutely no-one bothered about voting in ‘exceedingly dull’ General Election thumbnail

Thanks to the wide selection of thoroughly uninteresting individuals to choose from, the number of people who feel a pressing need to vote in general elections is declining, according to a government-backed survey.


Jeremy Kyle to berate record numbers of unemployed Americans

Jeremy Kyle to berate record numbers of unemployed Americans thumbnail

After US unemployment figures finally became large enough to justify investing in a US version of the show, British daytime TV hit The Jeremy Kyle Show is heading stateside this summer.


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ALSO IN THE NEWS

If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firms thumbnail If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firms

Responding to claims that their peak-fare rules are unfair and confusing, train companies have explained that peak time is limited only to the times at which you want to use a train.

MORE STORIES

Survey finds public wants cold-callers banned, what do you think? thumbnail Survey finds public wants cold-callers banned, what do you think?

HAVE YOUR SAY

HAVE YOUR SAY Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK “This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

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