News from January 2010

You can happily shop here looking like a fucking tramp, claims Aldi

After a Tesco store asked customers not to shop in their pyjamas or barefoot, supermarket chain Aldi has made it clear it is happy for it’s customers to continue looking like a bunch of inebriated vagrants.

Afghans to take back responsibility for shooting Afghans ‘this year’

Afghan forces could take back responsibility for shooting people in some its provinces by the end of 2010, delegates at a key summit about the country have said.

Muggers desperate to be first to steal new Apple iPad

The nation’s technology savvy muggers were today gearing up for the race to be the first person to steal the new Apple iPad.

Iraq inquiry uncovers need for a much better Iraq inquiry

The Iraq inquiry has uncovered the need for a much better Iraq inquiry after chairman Sir John Chilcot shared his “frustration” at not being able to review classified documents.

Rich claim gap to the poor still not wide enough

The nation’s rich people today announced that although the gap between themselves and the poor in the UK is wider now than 40 years ago, it’s still not nearly wide enough.

Liverpool being held by league strugglers officially no longer news

Liverpool were held to a 0-0 draw last night by relegation strugglers Wolverhampton Wanders, in a match that has been greeted with an ambivalent shrug of the shoulder by sports journalists everywhere.

“I’ve definitely always been a lifelong fan” says footballer to new club paying him £30k a week

A premiership footballer yesterday declared his life-long allegiance to the team now paying him £30,000 a week at the expense of his previous life-long favourite team who are no longer paying him £20,000 week.

Smiles all round as everything is 0.1% better than we thought

The UK economy has come out of recession, after figures showed that everything is 0.1% better than it was last summer.

Absolutely no-one bothered about voting in ‘exceedingly dull’ General Election

Thanks to the wide selection of thoroughly uninteresting individuals to choose from, the number of people who feel a pressing need to vote in general elections is declining, according to a government-backed survey.

Jeremy Kyle to berate record numbers of unemployed Americans

After US unemployment figures finally became large enough to justify investing in a US version of the show, British daytime TV hit The Jeremy Kyle Show is heading stateside this summer.

SPANK ME

KEITH LEMON

News from January 2010

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