Publicans pour significantly smaller measures than you, finds study

People who drink spirits in pubs receive significantly less than they would if they were pouring their own drinks in the comfort of their own home, surprising new figures suggest.

The government’s ‘Reach Your Limits Campaign’ found that among 600 people tested, the average publican poured a measly 25ml, whilst the average home drinker poured a more generous 38ml.

The young were particularly generous, with people in their thirties offering measures averaging 57ml.

Hardened home drinker, 45 year-old Paddy O’Neil told us, “This reinforces what I’ve always said, that the people staying at home drinking themselves into a blinding stupor are some of the most generous people you could ever hope to meet.”

“Though to be honest, I’m surprised how tight some the others surveyed must be, because a bottle of whisky is just four shots in my house, just how small were the measures everyone else was pouring?”

Moderation

The alcohol manufacturing industry has been including free measurement cups along with spirits in the hope of convincing everyone they don’t actually want the bottle drunk as quickly as is humanly possible.

“Yeah, I had one of those free measuring cups,” continued O’Neil.

“But I found I had to get off the sofa every ten minutes for a refil, which sort of defeats the object of drinking at home.”

“I drink at home so I can sit, drink copiously, and then pass out - not so I can keep going back to the kitchen to accurately measure the amount of Gin a faceless politician thinks I should have in my glass.”

“I know my limits, and I only ever drink enough to numb the crushing pain and overwhelming feeling of despair that living in this country makes me endure every single day of my miserable life.”

“Once that goes, I stop drinking. Or when the ambulance arrives, whichever comes first.”