News from December 2009

Publicans pour significantly smaller measures than you, finds study

People who drink spirits in pubs receive significantly less that they would if they were pouring their own spirits in the comfort of their own home, surprising new figures suggest.

Jenson Button honoured with MBE for having a really, really fast car

Jenson Button has been awarded the MBE in the Queen’s New Year Honours list in recognition of the fact that he got to drive a really, really fast car for the duration of 2009.

Is that it then, ask the nation’s spoiled children

As adults return to work following the festive period, children across the nation have today asked if a year of good behaviour was really worth a couple of days playing with toys they’re already bored with.

Nokia to sue Apple for ‘making better phones than us’

Nokia has ramped up its legal fight against Apple, arguing that the iPhone utilises technology invented by Nokia, only Apple is using it to make much, much better handsets.

China reinforces reputation for not fucking about

China has executed drug-smuggling Briton Akmal Shaikh, reinforcing its international reputation as a country not to fuck about with, in any way, shape or form.

Al Qaeda running low on borderline competent terrorists

After another bungled attempt to blow up a transatlantic flight, Al Qaeda has admitted that its stock of competent terrorists is running extremely low.

Santa considers CWU call to stage last-minute walkout over conditions

Father Christmas is said to be considering a proposal from the Communication Workers Union to stage a late walkout leaving millions of children without their presents this year.

Homeless man spends night in palace to highlight plight of modern Royals

A central London based homeless man has spent the night in Buckingham Palace to draw attention to the plight of today’s royal family, and the conditions to which they are forced to become accustomed.

Alex Salmond’s ego hoping to burst with self importance

Scottish politician Alex Salmond is threatening legal action to ensure he is involved in the national election debate, despite 90% of the population being outside Scotland and not giving a rats toss what he has to say about anything.

Televised election debates to include rebuttals with assorted weaponry

As the UK prepares for its first ever televised general election live debate, television companies are considering proposals to allow party leaders to accost each other physically between questions.

SPANK ME

KEITH LEMON

News from December 2009

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