Conservatives to explain concept of ‘emergency’ to David Cameron

Conservative leader David Cameron is to be given a dictionary by senior party officials after announcing he plans to hold an ‘emergency’ budget within 50 days if his party wins the next general election.

Cameron told reporters that getting the deficit under control was his highest priority, and an emergency budget would be held as soon as he has finished decorating number 10, done a bit of shopping, and visited all his school friends who said he’d never amount to anything.

Conservative head office have since announced a statement saying that Mr Cameron was using the little-quoted non-emergency definition of the word ‘emergency’.

“Everyone knows that an emergency can mean something you don’t address for nearly two months.” said a party spokesperson.

“We’re not saying that the emergency services will take two months to respond to a call under a Conservative government, unless its going to significantly reduce the deficit, which is a genuine emergency.”

“It would really help us if everyone could start using this new definition of emergency before you start holding us to any election promises.”

Definition

The Conservatives explained that some people have already begun adopting this new definition of the word emergency.

“Thankfully most users of the NHS are comfortable with ‘emergency’ operations taking weeks or months,”

“So perhaps you could all liaise with the nation’s sick people to complete your understanding of everything we say?”

Gordon Brown has responded to Cameron’s claims by insisting that under a Labour government, an emergency never takes more than 49 days.

“That last 24 hours could be really important if you’re waiting for an operation, or if you’re being burgled.” he told reporters.

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