Large Hadron Collider to ensure Gordon Brown retires undefeated

As the Large Hadron Collider prepares to once again threaten your very existence, Gordon Brown is celebrating the fact that he will be instantly vaporised without losing an election.

The LHC is due to be switched on again this weekend after a year of repairs that anyone lacking a science doctorate has absolutely no confidence in whatsoever.

A member of the LHC team told us, “Of course we’re confident we’ve fixed it, smacking a hammer against contraptions designed to find out just how big the Big Bang was is never a bad idea, never.”

“The fact that it only took us a year to repair it, shows just how minor the issues with it actually were.”

He concluded, “We’re pretty sure we’ll all still be here come Monday, but it’s fair to say that no-one in the office has booked any holidays for next year, just in case.”

Brown

A Downing Street spokesperson said that any enormous accident which destroys the planet we live on would be unfortunate, but would provide one positive outcome, an undefeated record for Gordon Brown.

“Be honest, there aren’t many of you who thought his political career would end without a single election defeat, is there?”

“Well, if this experiment goes as some of us think, then that’s exactly what will happen. The history books will show Gordon as undefeated. For a few seconds, before those history books are also engulfed into the silent black abyss of nothingness.”

The potential end of the world is seen as an opportunity by some doom-mongers.

One told us, “I’m pretty sure I’m going to get laid this weekend, because my new ‘The End Is Nigh’ sandwich board really makes my blue eyes pop.”