logo


NEWSARSE ARCHIVES



Authors



Page added on November 18, 2009

Email this to a friendEmail This Post                      Printable versionPrint This Post

Large Hadron Collider to ensure Gordon Brown retires undefeated

Large Hadron Collider to ensure Gordon Brown retires undefeated thumbnail

As the Large Hadron Collider prepares to once again threaten your very existence, Gordon Brown is celebrating the fact that he will be instantly vaporised without losing an election.

The LHC is due to be switched on again this weekend after a year of repairs that anyone lacking a science doctorate has absolutely no confidence in whatsoever.

A member of the LHC team told us, “Of course we’re confident we’ve fixed it, smacking a hammer against contraptions designed to find out just how big the Big Bang was is never a bad idea, never.”

“The fact that it only took us a year to repair it, shows just how minor the issues with it actually were.”

He concluded, “We’re pretty sure we’ll all still be here come Monday, but it’s fair to say that no-one in the office has booked any holidays for next year, just in case.”

Brown

A Downing Street spokesperson said that any enormous accident which destroys the planet we live on would be unfortunate, but would provide one positive outcome, an undefeated record for Gordon Brown.

“Be honest, there aren’t many of you who thought his political career would end without a single election defeat, is there?”

“Well, if this experiment goes as some of us think, then that’s exactly what will happen.  The history books will show Gordon as undefeated.  For a few seconds, before those history books are also  engulfed into the silent black abyss of nothingness.”

The potential end of the world is seen as an opportunity by some doom-mongers.

One told us, “I’m pretty sure I’m going to get laid this weekend, because my new ‘The End Is Nigh’ sandwich board really makes my blue eyes pop.”



SUBSCRIBE TO THE FREE WEEKLY NEWSARSE ROUND UP!

ENGLAND'S FOOTBALLING HEROES

ARTICLES & NEWS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED

Water found on Moon

Water found on Moon
And it is already significantly better than found in Spanish hotels

Dubai Financial Collapse

Dubai Financial Collapse
Lidl to open first Dubai supermarket for destitute Arabs

New EU Presidency

New EU Presidency
I never wanted the job anyway, Blair tells everyone



RELATED STORIES


GETTING YOUR NEWSARSE FIX

Facebook Twitter email RSS

BANNED ADVERT!


LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

ALSO IN THE NEWS

We could tell you, but then we’d have to kill you, say MOD thumbnail We could tell you, but then we’d have to kill you, say MOD

The Ministry of Defence has been accused of giving “misleading” answers to MPs scrutinising its budget after it told the committee that it could tell them where the money went, but then it would have to kill them.

MORE STORIES

Sugababes urged to resolve name dispute like women, in the ring thumbnail Sugababes urged to resolve name dispute like women, in the ring

HAVE YOUR SAY

HAVE YOUR SAY Are Man City going too far offering £50m for the Geordie fan base?

THE LIB DEMS : DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING?

THE LIB DEMS : DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING? Is knowing they are the yellow ones really enough?

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

RSS feed Subscribe to our feed       Delicious Are we delicious?       Digg Add us to Digg       Technorati Bookmark us       Twitter Follow us on Twitter