Screaming sex couple ‘not fooling anyone’

A woman who was banned from screaming like a banshee during sex has lost an appeal against her conviction after a judge told the couple they weren’t fooling anyone.

Caroline and Steve Cartwright’s love-making noises were described as “murder”, “unnatural” and “not even remotely believable” at Newcastle Crown Court.

Mrs Cartwright, 48, from Washington on Wearside, lost the appeal against a conviction for breaching a noise abatement notice after using the full force of her lungs to remind her neighbours about all the really really good sex she was allegedly having.

The original conviction was secured after noise complaints from neighbours, postmen, a local school and a small village in Uganda.

Complaints

A neighbour of Mrs Cartwright told us, “When they start, all the dogs around here actually stop having sex themselves and do that face that says, ‘what in bearded Christ’s name was that?!’”

The judge rejected the appeal, explaining to Cartwright, “You could put me in the sack with Angelina Jolie and you’d barely get more than a whimper, perhaps the odd Yee-Har, but that would be it.”

“So don’t pretend that being penetrated by the frankly-scary looking moustachioed Mr Cartwright makes you howl in ecstacy.”

“The only way a human being could be made to scream louder than Mrs Cartwright, would be if you forced them to watch the Cartwrights perform whatever unnatural sex acts they were engaging in at the time.”

A friend of the Cartwrights told us, “To be fair, Steve hasn’t stopped smiling since this whole episode began.”