Scots implement £1000 train fare to keep out the Cornish

The people of Scotland yesterday launched a new campaign to keep Cornish people out of their country by ensuring tickets to visit their country by train will cost over £1000.

The move comes after an incessant stream of cider-drinking bumpkins made their way north to enjoy the unique hospitality only Scotland can offer.

A Scottish tourist board spokesperson told us, “We hate the Cornish with their funny food and backwards ways. There, I said it.”

“It seems the most effective way of keeping them out is make is as expensive to visit us here as it is to go to Australia, though we still think the we’ll be lumbered with the really determined ones.”

“They come up here and see the wonderful array of alcohol on offer yet insist on drinking cider with ‘the bits left in’. It’s disgusting behaviour.”

“And their favourite food it meat inside pastry, PASTRY! Why not just throw it a sheep’s intestine like any normal person would, the bloody freaks.”

“We’re absolutely sick of them coming up here with the healthy glow and surfers bodies thinking they’re all that, so we’re hoping this train fare will put an end to it.”

Cornish response

The people of Cornwall have reacted with complete ambivalence to the move encouraging them stop them travelling to Scotland.

“We don’t want to go anyway, why not make it two thousand pounds?” said one Cornish holiday-maker.

“If I wanted to go somewhere full of pale people getting drunk and eating fried food I’d visit Basingstoke.”

Another told us, “I went once, I was there four hours before I began contemplating suicide. Never again.”

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