News from November 2009

Lidl to open first Dubai supermarket

As prices on the Dubai stock market dropped even further, pushing the emirate to the brink of financial collapse, Lidl announced plans to cater for the newly poor Arabs by opening flagship store in Dubai.

Irish church to get much better at covering things up

A damning report into child abuse in the Dublin archdiocese has criticised the Catholic Church hierarchy for being almost comically bad at covering up the abuse.

Sick horses demand rodent equality in experimental medical trials

Representatives of the horses alliance have today petitioned scientists for its members to be allowed into the latest medical trials, citing clear bias in favour of rodents in experimental medicine to date.

Court rules banks can bugger you provided they warn you first

Millions of bank customers have been told by a Supreme Court judgement that banks can take them roughly from behind, just as long as the banks tell them it is coming in their small print.

Children to get GCSE qualification in ‘not hitting women’

Every school pupil in England is to be taught that domestic violence against women and girls is generally a bad thing, as part of a new government strategy to state the bleeding obvious at every opportunity.

Prostitute-using policeman ‘most relaxed we’ve ever encountered’

A police officer given a conditional discharge for using prostitutes whilst on duty has been described as the most personable officer anyone has ever dealt with.

Coma man already bored witless by daytime television

A Belgian man who doctors thought was in a coma for 23 years but was conscious all along, has explained he is already bored witless by the daytime television he is now forced to watch.

Train man moves right the way down inside the carriage

A rush-hour rail passenger this week made his way down into the middle of an otherwise packed train to allow fellow commuters to board, Newsarse has learned.

Conservatives to explain concept of ‘emergency’ to David Cameron

Conservative leader David Cameron is to be given a dictionary by senior party officials after announcing he plans to hold an ‘emergency’ budget within 50 days if his party wins the next general election.

Katie Price finally starting to get the message

Model and celebrity vagina Katie Price has walked out of I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! after less than a week on the ITV show and may be finally realising that everybody in the UK despises her.

SPANK ME

KEITH LEMON

News from November 2009

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