News from October 2009

New FSA rules ensure money lent only to those who don’t want it

New rules to make sure that loans are only given to people who have so much money they don’t need a loan, are due to be announced by the banking regulator on Monday.

Jan Moir’s career to die of perfectly natural causes

The career of Daily Mail columnist Jan Moir is desperately clinging to life after suffering an adverse reaction following exposure to common sense, unbiased thinking, and the Internet.

Footballing dolphins displaying signs of organised hooliganism

A marine survey team off the north Wales coast that discovered football-playing dolphins, say that levels of post-match hooliganism suggest the dolphins are much more organised than first thought.

A-Ha to split 20 years after everyone assumed they had

Pop group A-Ha have announced they are to call it a day, just twenty years after the record buying public assumed they had already stopped being a band.

BNP to seek self-loathing ethnic minorities with very low IQs

The BNP has announced that it will amend its constitution to actively seek mentally compromised, self-loathing ethnic minorities to become part of its membership.

Derek Acorah to channel Michael Jackson for millions of idiots

Medium Derek Acorah today announced a deal with Sky television where he will pretend to speak to dead Michael Jackson in order to entertain literally millions of gullible idiots.

Carter-Ruck long for halcyon days of coercion and intimidation

As Internet coverage focussed on its client Trafigura, law firm Carter Ruck has joined massive corporations everywhere in longing for the days when intimidation and blackmail was enough to get them what they wanted.

Stockbrokers reach highest levels of smugness for a year

As the FTSE 100 closed at its highest level for more than a year, stockbrokers everywhere returned to levels of smugness not seen since September 2008.

We’ll strike until you let us deliver all your email, say Postmen

Royal Mail postal workers have voted to take strike action over job security after Royal Mail that postmen can’t deliver the vast majority of today’s email.

Al-Qaeda launches ’sponsor a martyr’ fund-raising campaign

Al-Qaeda has launched a fund-raising campaign asking wealthy Islamic fundamentalists to sponsor a martyr after finding itself is in its worst financial state for many years.

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KEITH LEMON

News from October 2009

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